Lost In The Echo
by Vorazlov28
Summary: People aren't supposed to fall in love with people from another faction. It goes against everything the faction system strives for. When Jeanine gets involved, Ayriana gets trapped in a web of lies. Can she figure things out before it's too late? Eric/OC
1. Reflection In The Mirror

_A/N: As everyone else, I had to write a story after seeing the movie and rereading the books. I really wanted to delve deep into Eric without turning things too OOC, so I hope you enjoy. I want to thank my amazing beta Bellum Gerere for her amazing ability to catch all of the things I miss. Please review and let me know what you think! The next chapter will be coming soon._

* * *

Ayriana ran to her designated room. Her tiny bare feet padded loudly against the frigid concrete steps and the sound echoed around her, beating down against her shoulders with each step. Inside, her little heart was beating too fast. Too hard. It hurt every time, hammering against her chest. There was nothing she could do to stop it. No matter how fast she tried running, the steps seemed to stretch out forever as she made turn after turn after turn around the stairwell.

Sharp, ragged breathing blocked her from hearing anything. A thump near the bottom of the stairs made the dark hairs on the back of her neck shoot up on end and she swirled around to see behind her.

Nothing.

Turning again, she sprinted down the halls, twisting and turning towards the final door.

They were coming for him. They were coming for all of them. Dauntless. The guns and lap dogs of the faction system, the most brutal and cruel, hunting down factionless like slaughterhouse pigs, murdering anyone they met along the way with a cold bullet to the head. Black-clad soldiers who held no remorse; they were terrorists for hire. They were the reason Ayriana was always moving with her father. They were the ones who gave her nightmares and choked her to tears at night.

They were here.

Ayriana cringed, sprinting through the labyrinth of hallways, using walls and corners to keep her from ramming into anything. She needed to be quick. Smart. She needed to be strong. Everything she wasn't…

Finally, she stumbled along the right door. It was different from the others. As soon as she flung open her door the loud roar of thunder boomed through the semi-decayed warehouse her family had deemed their home. The pounding quickened in her chest. She could barely breathe. Her baby brother's crib sat silently in the corner of the room.

A storm had been raging since dawn, darkening the room considerably. This was when they came. Never on sunny days. Never when the warmth of the day was there to comfort her. Only when the thunder and the pouring rain could hide her cries. Father had warned her, told her about people like them, of the awful things they did.

Quickly she searched around, panicked green eyes scanning the floors desperately for what she needed. Lightning flashed outside, illuminating everything around her for the barest of moments, but it was enough. Enough to catch the slight gloom in the corner of the room and the menacing shadow leaping out to grab her with an ear-splitting _screech!_

Jumping, Ayriana hastily shook her head, willing the images to go away. There wasn't time for fear. No time for panic. She had to focus.

From the corner of her eye, she caught sight of the small round divot in the middle of one of the concrete squares. It was barely large enough for her hand to fit into, but if she tried, she could slip her fingers into the lip and find purchase to lift the trap door. Not wasting a second, she flew over to it, clawing desperately to get a strong enough grip. Her hands trembled. A chill crept down her back. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to get it open. The sounds of the front door sliding open made her throat tighten.

Not much time.

Any noise would draw their attention. She wouldn't be able to go for help if they caught her now. Father was counting on her. He needed her. It was enough pressure to cause a cold sweat to break out across her chalky skin, sending her heart pounding out of her chest and her stomach and into her throat. When all else failed she had to be strong. He made her promise to take care of herself and her baby brother.

Planting her feet, she stood determinedly and tried using her whole body to lift up.

Several bangs erupted down stairs followed by voices, but the pounding rain beating against the windows was far louder. She was too far away to hear what they were saying, but she knew her father was down there. That they were fighting. Killing. Running. Tristan suddenly stirred, his blanket shifting and crinkling as his tiny arms reached towards the sky unseeing. Her throat tightened.

_Run Ayriana! Don't let them find you. You and Tristan have to make it out. No matter what happens don't come back._

Her father's warning stirred something inside her she couldn't quite place. The rush growing inside her was getting louder and louder. Everything was so sharp. Cracks in the wall. Leaves blowing on trees outside. It felt like she could see everything, hear _everything_. It was crisp even in the dark skies.

The dark shadows between each blazing zap of lightning brought out the true terrors and monsters hiding in the dank crevices. Every deafening crack of thunder brought them closer. The skies were a barrier locking in all of the problems and pains. Usually it made her feel safer, as if she wouldn't be alone anymore. However, as she heard another bang; something over turning; a vase shattering, she knew she had never been more alone in her life.

Finally, with a grunt of pain she managed to lift the heavy concrete slab up and off to the side. Her back and arms burned. It revealed a small hole with a rusting metal latter leading down into the dark abyss below. It wasn't big but if she tried, she could squeeze down into the tunnel that ran under the building. Once she hit the bottom there would be a complete network of tunnels and caves connecting her to every single building in the city—the sewers, her mind supplied her. From there she would be able to run for help. Here they could never find her, not in time. There were too many dead ends and shortcuts.

There was another crash downstairs. A window? A door? The table? It sounded like a glass shattering over her head. But there shouldn't have been anything to break…

Tristan stated to cry from his crib over in the corner of the room. The noise was loud, crisp. It sliced through the air faster than she could breathe and stabbed into her like a knife, cutting into her heart. Panicking she swung her head around, staring at her baby brother. Not thinking Ayriana raced over to the crib, throwing herself wildly over the bars to smother the little mouth of the other side, but it was too late.

There was silence for a moment. It beat so loudly against her ears. Every shuffle felt like bombs dropping overhead. It was filled with the quickening pulse of her blood rushing from her face.

A scream—cold sweats broke down her back.

That was Father's voice.

A lone deep voice rose over the thundering roar of the raging storm. It was a voice smoother than silk and softer than anything she had ever heard. No one could mistake the promise in his voice when he said, "…kill him!"

It made her heart stop.

Hurriedly she cradled the crying baby into her tense arms before hurrying back towards the secret passage, barely taking the time to smooth the patch of vibrant red hairs on his head. He let out one last terrified _wail_ that stopped her heart. She froze. The warehouse was quiet for a moment. So loud in her mind. Everything was so loud. Ayriana pressed Tristan's face gingerly into the crook of her neck to protect him, to hide him, but it was too late. Seconds after footsteps reverberated down the hall.

"Find the baby and get rid of it," the same man hissed.

His voice was closer, so much closer than before. How could he have already made it so far through the maze of hallways and rooms?

No time. Gasping for air, she shot for the hiding spot, crossing the large room in two bounding strides. Tristan's cries grew louder. The footsteps were getting closer. Thuds against the floor. Bangs from them throwing open the other doors. Close. Everything was so close.

Once she made it, Ayriana wasted no time climbing down into the dark, coddling Tristan in an awkward position with one arm. The dark welcomed her with loving arms, engulfing her in the mysteries and tragedies it held. Her fingers barely managed to pull the heavy slab back in place when her door slid open. She shut out the world.

It wasn't the frigid air or the gagging wretched smell floating over the water at the bottom of the latter that made her knees quiver and hands shake. Not even the haunted cries radiating from her little baby brother as he fought desperately against her grip. Before she knew it, her feet were moving under her, mechanically, stiffly. Yet all she could think about was her father.

They were killing him.

* * *

Shooting out of bed, I clutched at the burning in my chest. Gasping, I reached up for my throat to cut off the sudden burst of fire tearing through me. I curled up in a ball, my body hacking as tears threatened to burn down my face. I flinched back something flashed outside. Seconds later a mind-numbing explosion sent my heart battering against my chest.

Blinding white lightning flared through the dark sky again as the clap of thunder roared in the distance. Another crashed in time with the beating of my racing heart, continuing the angry dance of the perpetual flashes slicing through the coal-black clouds. Trees and bushes bowed down in the hash gusts of wind, ripping at the steel walls and glass windows. Shudders ran through the earth.

_Another storm, _I thought with a grateful sigh_._ _It's only a storm._

Slowly I started to go through the process of meticulously burying my emotions again, fighting inch by inch to calm my heart and even my breaths. Emotions were weak. They made people vulnerable. Careless. I stared hard out at the window as my racing heart still pounded insistently against my ribs. Even still, the twitching _itch _in my muscles didn't start to go away, anticipating the next attacker. I had to be calm. Be Erudite.

But it was just another storm.

"Ayriana?" a voice whispered in the dark. I knew that voice. They'd spoke too quietly for me to place just where, but deep down inside I knew that voice. Perking, I looked around to try and find the speaker but no one was there.

The door suddenly slammed open, bouncing off the wall in an angry crash nearly making me jump out of my bed. My heart leapt straight up in my throat, my muscles tensing. Snapping my head over, I took a ragged breath as someone shot through the door and I caught a glint of blonde hair.

"_This won't hurt a bit," a woman reassured. Lies. In her hand was a syringe. A clear liquid dripped form the tip of a long sterile needle. Her blonde hair was tucked carefully out of her face. "Hold still…"_

Terror took over me. Blonde. It was happening. The pain. The torture. Panicking, I shoved myself back as fast as I could until my back slammed against the wall and even then I pushed further. A screamed ripped from my throat raw and choked.

Escape. Escape. Escape.

"What happened? What's wrong?" a terrified high pitched voice squeaked.

Slumping down against the wall, I let out a shaky breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding, my body deflating like a balloon. My hands visibly trembled and my body quivered, the nerves still jumping. "Holy shit," I breathed. Julie's head turned towards me and I could make out her wide brown eyes from across the room. "What in the world are you doing?" My voice was unsteady, weak to my own ears.

"What am I doing?" she scoffed.

She still stood all the way across the room, but I could only make out her posture when a flash of lightning lit everything for half a moment. In the second, I thought I saw something in her hands, but the next second it was gone. Shaking my head, I tried to pull myself together. This was my mother, not some killer.

Taking a quick glance around the room as if to reassure herself, Julie stepped closer to the bed. "You were screaming. Are you ok? I thought factionless had broken in and attacked you or something!"

Factionless were the unfortunate people who lived outside the cities five factions, those who weren't accepted and turned aside by society. As long as you belonged to one of the factions you had a family, a place to sleep, food to eat. Factionless… they had nothing. Reports had been coming in lately about their unrest; men and women spotted coming into faction territories. Last week there was an attack. Thankfully Dauntless members were close enough to stop everything before anyone was hurt. They would do almost anything to survive. Like animals.

I waited for the thrill of fear to shoot through me picturing factionless breaking into my room and attacking me in my sleep. It never came. My heart was still racing from the images, so crisp and clear in my head. For a moment, I almost thought I felt something hearing about the factionless, something deep inside me, but the second I tried identifying it, it was gone. I frowned, rubbing the back of my neck. I knew I should be afraid of the factionless. Everyone else always seemed to feel a tremor thinking about what could happen if they were caught alone by them, but no matter how hard I tried I just felt … blank. I'd never met one before. How was I supposed to fear someone I didn't know?

They wouldn't be here, though. Factionless never came far enough into the heart of the city to get to Erudite. Even if factionless members had been coming slightly inside faction boundaries they would never make it all the way to Erudite before they were taken out. Despite the logical part of my brain telling me Julie wasn't thinking straight, I choose not to say anything. Maybe I wasn't the only one scared tonight. Everyone had secrets in Erudite.

"Are you ok?"

I snapped out of my thoughts as Julie placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, drawing my gaze back to her. I realized I'd been absentmindedly rubbing my aching ankle; the rain always made it stiff. This close, I could make out the slight wrinkles on her forehead and the corners of her eyes. She looked hollow in the darkness, her too-wide eyes glinting like mirrors in the dark and the outline of her lips shifting. Normally, she was quite a handsome woman, all of her features delicately soft in all of the right places. Now she looked like a shell. An empty shell. I couldn't remember ever being so close to my mother in all my life.

"Yeah I'm fine," I murmur, shifting out of her grip and looking down at my hands in my lap. I could still feel the ghost of her fingers against me and my hands suddenly felt clammy. I couldn't stop the reaction. They were still trembling. I shrugged again, as nonchalantly as possible, despite my heart still pumping hard in my chest. I had to force the tension to ebb from my shoulders, slowly working its way out of my trembling hands. My mind stilled raced, my heartbeat fluttering. "Just a bad dream."

"Another one?"

Ever since I could remember I had always been haunted by these terrible dreams, dreams that made me feel like I was another person, someone fierce and scared for her life. Early on I consulted Julie about it. She had me taken in for tests, but there was nothing wrong. Night terrors they called them. Rare, but potent. They said it was the reason I couldn't remember hardly anything about my childhood; the first eleven years wiped from my head as if they were never there. They gave me a medicine that made they go away at first. It was supposed to help me remember. Supposed to help me forget. But then they came back.

I didn't want more medicine. Sucking on my lower lip, I stayed quiet, not meeting her gaze. She took my silence as confirmation. I hated that it had to be.

Julie's concerned face popped into view again as she sat down on the edge of my bed next to me. With the shift I leaned towards her until I could almost feel the heat of her hip against my leg. Subtly as possible I slid further away. My efforts were in vain as she reached out and placed a hand on mine, wrapping her fingers around the top one and giving what I knew was meant to be a reassuring squeeze.

Emotions were bad. Don't feel. Logic. I tried determinedly to embrace all of my teachings as bile threatened to choke me. With each breath I felt her leaning closer. Her breath was choking me. Digging into my skin. Logic. Logic. Think.

I wanted to open my mouth and say something, any excuse to get her to get further away, but my mind came up blank. It still felt like I couldn't think straight. My brain was scrambled. Exhausted. A coil built up in my throat starting to choke me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" For some unexplainable reason she'd taken a hard curiosity for my dreams. Erudite's always wanted to know everything. And I would always want to lie.

I shook my head silently.

There was silence for a moment between striking thunder. It beat so loudly against my ears. Every shuffle felt like bombs dropping overhead. It was filled with the quickening pulse of my blood slowly pulsating through my veins.

_It was just a dream. It was just a dream_, I repeated, tucking my knees to my chest, but I couldn't even tell which was making my heart race more: the dream or now. The movement forced Julie to drop my hands and the coil building eased a bit. I closed my eyes, repeating the words I knew would never comfort me, because it would never just be a dream. Dreams didn't chase people into their waking hours. They didn't hurt with an _ache _I felt deep in my very bones. I couldn't say any of that here though. Not now. With Julie here there was a pressure to close off, hide everything. So I did.

Fear was irrational.

Julie misinterpreted my movement. I could tell by the way she shifted forward. Now that my eyes were starting to adjust to the dark I could make out her eyebrows pinch in and lips pucker; it was her concerned face. Before she even moved I could _feel_ what she was about to do.

Her hand rested on my knee, her thumb tracing small circles against my skin. It sent gooseflesh racing down my arms and legs, but I knew she wouldn't notice.

She was such a _toucher_.

For someone in Erudite, Julie never seemed to catch on to my aversion with contact. Ever sense I could remember I had never been able to stand being close to her—or anyone really—for any long period of time. Something about feeling her next to me made my skin crawl and my body revolt, but I could never place what it was. My body just acted like a deep rooted habit.

"Was it about your Aptitude Test?" she probed softly. Everything about Julie was soft and timid. Affectionate. Smothering. It was just like her touch.

Frowning, I pulled my knees closer to my chest. I'd forgotten tomorrow was the Aptitude Test for all people who had turned sixteen years of age since the last Choosing Ceremony. Tomorrow I would have to go to school and take the one test I could never study for and depending on my results the rest of my life will be planned out. Once I go in there I would find out which of the five factions making up society I belonged to: Erudite, Amity, Candor, Abnegation, or Dauntless. I'd find out what type of person I really was. Would I be smart, kind, honest, selfless, or brave?

I shuttered remembering my nightmare. Dauntless. They were coming for me. I didn't know how but I just _knew._

_It was just a dream._

Dauntless would never be after me. They were the protectors of the city. They were the brave soldiers sticking their necks out so the rest of us didn't have to. I was safe with them. I always would be.

It had been almost a year now since I had that nightmare. At least it looked like a nightmare. I'd had a handful of nightmares in my lifetime but none of them had ever felt like that one before. It was like I was really there running for my life, holding my baby brother and listening to my father die. Everything was always so sharp and precise, and the pain—oh, the pain—so excruciating. It just felt so _real._

Yet, I didn't even have a baby brother. I only had Julie.

The last time I'd had that dream was the day I developed my irrational fear of touching Julie. Or anyone for that matter. One night it came out of nowhere and ever since I was never the same. Not that I ever told anyone.

Remembering Julie's question I nodded weakly. To sure would seem like a lie, too fast, too planned. Hesitation would make it seem like I didn't want to share, like I was revealing something. It would be easier if she thought I was just nervous for today. After all, what was nerve wracking about finding out if you never really belonged with your family all your life? No pressure.

Resting my head back against the wall again, I swallowed thickly. Another flash of lighting shot across the sky. Julie patted my knee reassuringly and I shuttered again. "You don't have anything to worry about, sweetie." I glanced at her, not moving. She was smiling. "No matter what happens tomorrow things will be fine. There's nothing you should worry about for a test you can't even prepare for."

If only.

"If you say so," I agreed easily. Lying came naturally to me for some reason. I didn't even feel the pitch of guilt for tricking her into believing I only had last minute jitters. "I think I'm going to try and go back to sleep."

"Great idea, sweetie."

I couldn't stop from tensing slightly as Julie leaned forward and placed a caring kiss right ton my forehead. Her lips were warm and slightly moist. I had to fight the urge to wipe my skin off with the back of my hand. Instead, I smiled at her, softening my eyes and tilting my chin up just slightly. The perfect lie.

"Night Mom."

"Goodnight."

I waited for the click of the door before I let my smile fade. Numbly I looked over at the window. Rain pelted against it in a furious rage that drowned out all other noise. Another flash shot across the sky. I hugged my legs tighter.

There was no way I would get back to sleep now.


	2. First Sign of Cracks

_A/N: Thank you for all of those who have followed and favorited this story! I was shocked to have so many people buy in. Thanks for JustCallMeWhatever and Sylvari Queen for you reviews. You guys are awesome. The biggest thanks to my amazing beta Bellum Gerere. __Let me know what you guys think!_

* * *

Rain sprinkled down from the heavens, the gentle pitter-patter of the tiny water droplets exploding like bombs against the concrete sidewalks. There was something about each drop that made it different from the ones before. They were soft, gentle. It reminded me of snowflakes, so light and soothing. I sighed, scooting closer to the cool glass from my window seat. But as much as I tired, I couldn't feel the tingling sensations of the soothing rain against my skin. The water droplets slid down, taunting me.

This was nothing like the rain last night.

Outside I could already see small clusters of umbrellas moving back and forth along the sidewalks. All of them were varying shades of blue, and underneath showed glimpses of blue pant legs or practical low heels clicking as people walked to work. The grass was perfectly trimmed alongside them, all of the bushes impeccably mulched and tended underneath the lampposts lighting Erudite headquarters twenty-four seven. Even the raindrops streaming across the window seemed more perfect, calculated next to all of the accuracy and attention to detail. Erudite was always perfect. Maintained.

Letting out a sigh, I closed my eyes and tried to find my center. Today was the big day. From here on out my life would never be the same. No matter what my results were today, I would never be able to be a little kid again. I would be a fully-fledged adult.

Curled up in a ball against the window, I felt like anything but. I was only sixteen…

What would happen if I got Erudite? While I would officially be my own member of society and wouldn't have to live here anymore, could I be happy here? Would it be enough to go to work every day, talk with fellow colleges about the news and recent discoveries, trying to find a way to make the world a better place? Could I be happy with that, every day walking around in the same blue clothes, seeing everyone in their fake glasses as they hoped to look smarter?

I swallowed thickly, and tried thinking back on my favorite moments in Erudite. I remembered the first test I got a perfect score on, my twelfth birthday when everyone from my class showed up. I smiled faintly at the thoughts of some of my friends. While we were never really that close, I could still remember nights up late studying together and whispering secrets. Thinking harder, I recalled the time I fell out of the window and broke my arm. Julie held and rocked me until the doctors came. I smiled thinking back on it. That was one of the only times I didn't panic having her so close to me. That one time, it was like she was really my mother.

I frowned, trying harder to think back on what really made me fit in here. There had to be something. But every time I tried grasping at the warm feelings in my mind the images attached to them would fade.

How I wished I could just remember.

Knowing Julie would be coming up the stairs soon if I didn't get ready, I pulled myself from the window rolling around my ankle and rubbing it soothing to work out the arthritic stiffness before heading over to my dresser to get ready. My reflection caught my attention for a second in my vanity. Taking a second, I looked up, pressing against the slight bags under my eyes and smoothing along a few light acne scars on the bottom corner of my chin. I must have looked lot like my father. Nothing else would explain my sharp, high cheekbones, and straight nose that was just a fraction too long. My vivid green eyes stared back at me, sharp but so dull at the same time. They looked dead, worn to the world. I tried pulling my dark locks back to see if it made them any less prominent, but seeing it's pointless, I let my hair fall back down past my shoulders. Vanity was overrated. No one would be too concerned about what I looked like today anyways. They'd be too worried about themselves. I hoped.

I shifted through the neatly folded piles, looking for something warm but comfortable today. I'd always hated wearing uniforms in factions. They were too boring and annoying. The only thing Erudite members were aloud to wear was blue. There were fifty-two different shades of blue the naked eye could distinguish. Fifty-two versions of one _awful_ color. It was one of the few things I couldn't stand about being here. No matter how hard I tried to find something green or black just to shake up the endless sea of blue there was nothing. It was so _boring_.

I finally decided on a loose pair of navy blue slacks that hugged my waist nicely and a plain long-sleeved sky blue V-neck. It was the softest thing I owned. If I had the choice, I would much rather walk around buck-ass nude than stick to the monotonous blue. I snorted slightly at the thought. Now wouldn't _that _turn a few heads? I'd find myself standing in front of Jeanine Matthew's office door faster than I could blink.

Jeanine was the faction leader. She was the newest one, appointed due to her massive IQ only a few years ago; thing's hadn't been the same since. Immediately after she was appointment, she completely changed everything about how our faction worked, making us more efficient, effective, and overall, Erudite. Between inventing the serums that now dictate our society and creating a world in which everyone lived in "wealth, comfort, and prosperity," Erudite's new motto, Jeanine was the center of everything. At the same time, she was also just as strict and unforgiving. It was staggering thinking how smart she was, and I'd always hated having to go see her. The few times I had to were vivid in my brain, none pleasant. It made my skin crawl standing in front of her. It felt like she could see every thought in my head.

Now wasn't the time to be scolded for breaking the dress code. Again.

_God, I hate blue._

I braced myself the cold of the hallway at the door. Julie had always loved the cold. I knew the second I wondered out of my room I would be bombarded with a barrage of icy air. Sadly, there was only so much warmth I could muster to ward off the never ending AC. By the time I stepped out of my room I shivered, losing all that warmth as my feet hit the cold wood floors. Instinctively, I hugged my arms around myself.

Quickly, I made my way around the house, careful to keep my footsteps light and silent, an unexplainable habit of mine I'd had since I could remember. Staying quiet and unnoticed came as second nature to me despite my staggering size. Quiet was invisible. Quiet was _safe._

Portraits of generations hung proudly along the walls, every inch covered with another face I knew I should know. All of them wore the same sickening blue I wore now, each with a proud smile. I felt out of place next to them. Each one had done something amazing, bringing a wave of new opportunity to the family, and better yet, a new discovering that gave the world a better understanding. What more could someone in this family want? It was our purpose in life as a family in Erudite.

Erudite valued intelligence above all else, knowing it to be the reason for all disputes. Lack of intelligence inevitably leads to lack of understanding. Without understanding there is disconnect between people. This disconnect grows into conflict, and from conflict arises war. It was what all members were taught to believe. It's what this faction lived for. Never ending intelligence. Other factions choose to believe in kindness, selflessness, honesty, and even bravery. Which one was I born into? Stupid goddamn intelligence loving _Erudite_.

It was demoralizing walking next to all the faces stretched on every inch of the wall. A wall of indifference I build around me didn't protect my heart from the glowing coldness creeping in each time I was reminded of what I _should_ be. I hadn't done anything compared to them. I didn't even _look_ like any of them, but they were everywhere. I couldn't get away. Blue shirt. White smile. Hard eyes. Blue blazer. Perfect hair. Crooked grin. Blue. Mocking. Blue. Blue. _Blue._

Quickly as possibly I rushed towards the steep staircase, nearly running until I found myself outside the kitchen doorway.

Julie was sitting at the table.

_As always._

"Morning, sweetie," she smiled, glancing up from her cup of coffee.

I tried my best to give her a smile. Really I did. "Morning Mom," I breathed out. The script flowed out naturally by now.

Julie gave me another small smile, her lips pulling back to show her slightly coffee-stained teeth. I guess that meant she didn't fit in with the perfectly pampered pictures either. The smile was gone in a second though, once she—as usual—lost interest in me and turned back to her blessed research. Her lips pressed into a hard line. Whatever she was reading must be pretty troubling.

Curiously, I walked around the table to see what scientific research she was looking into, but as soon as I got within reach of her an over powerful wave of coffee beans hit me in the chest. A hammer cracked down on my nose strong enough to nearly make me gag. I could feel the painful burn already slapping me in the face. As fast as I could, I retreated back to towards the fridge. There was nothing worse than the smell of coffee on an empty stomach. Ugh. It was disgusting.

She must have gotten up early. That or she didn't go back to bed either.

Usually mornings were always the same. I'd wake up, get, ready, and come down to have some breakfast before school. Julie would be reading the latest news at the table and we'd discuss it lightly as we ate. Then our next-door neighbors, the Bakker's, would get here and they'd take me to school while she left with our only car for work.

If only it was a normal morning.

"So did you have another nightmare when you went back to sleep?" Julie asked easily as commenting about the weather. Her eyes didn't even flick up to mine. She took a sip of coffee, her eyes still scanning over the paper.

I cringed slightly, pausing in my adventure to find some fresh fruit for breakfast. I kicked myself for not being able to control my body better. It only took me a second before I could respond. "No, I slept fine. It must have just been my nerves," I lied easily. I hadn't gone back to bed.

"Oh good. I was worried."

Another beat of silence.

I held my breath slightly, looking over at the clock. There was only ten more minutes until the Bakker's got here.

Only after the appropriate amount of time did she speak again, trying a different approach. "Did you want to talk about it? You know, I've been in your shoes too." Her voice was slick. Smooth.

It was a dangerous question. If I answered no she'd push me to tell her why not. She was my mother. I should trust her. She'd tell me how everything would be ok. She wouldn't judge me. She guilt me with her disappointment in me, but she sure as hell wouldn't judge me. That sounded promising. Not. Yet, if I answered yes, I would have to tell her. The pills would come back.

Suddenly, I felt too close to her. A chill crept up my back as I still sifted slowly through the fridge. She was watching me. I could feel it. I'd already found the apple I wanted, on the bottom shelf where it always was, but I rustled around a few things, pretending to be deciding what I wanted. I was buying time, trying to come up with another new way to steer her away from my night terrors.

Yes or no?

Standing up, I turned towards her, meeting her level gaze. Despite her face showing a calculated concern, her eyes were blank, clear. It was unnerving.

After all, I should trust my own mother, right? It wasn't normal to feel such trepidation. But her eyes were like hooks. The longer I stared, the more it felt like I couldn't pull away. It felt like she was right in front of me, pressing me back. I could feel her, feel her warm smothering hands. Stretching up. Choking me.

"It wasn't anything special, really," I hedged finally. My voice was stronger than I felt. I could barely hear the tremor. I gripped the apple in my hands tightly to hide how my hands were shaking. "Once I woke up I realized how silly it was to worry."

The slight twitch of her lips gave away her disappointment, but her eyes never changed as she carefully set down her tablet and held out a hand to me.

My heart stuttered.

Forcing myself forward, I grabbed her hand, my stomach flopping uncomfortably. I hid my gag behind a soft smile and slid into the seat next to her. Apparently unhappy with our distance she leaned forward, one hand rubbing circles on mine while the other reached up to cup my cheek. As she brushed some of my dark hair back from my face I almost physically shook. I knew some of my feeing must have shown on my face. Thankfully she took it wrong.

"Oh, baby," she cooed. Leaning forward, she placed a kiss on my forehead. I shuddered. "Oh, sweetie, it's ok. Everything will be ok. You don't have to worry about anything, alright? You're going to do just fine."

I felt sick.

I nodded thickly, my free hand digging so hard into the wooden seat I felt my fingers aching. It was the only thing keeping me in her hands. _Run. Run. Run._ My mind screamed. _Too close. Too close._

She gave me another smile before her eyes seemed to catch something over my shoulder. Whatever it was caused her hands to draw back, and for a second I could breath. Shakily, I melted down in my seat, my body feeling weak and heavy. "It looks like the Bakker's are going to be here soon. You best get ready to go. We can talk about this more later."

Too relived to argue, I nodded and darted from the room, desperately rushing to the door where my shoes were already waiting for me. My apple was left forgotten on the table. I didn't dare go back for it.

* * *

The test isn't until after lunch. As I walk through the school doors the thought didn't reassure me as much as I was hoping. It's just going to be a half of a day of useless class time. No one was going to teach anything today. No one would pay attention.

Not even three steps through the door, I was assaulted by the chaotic noise of school and a building pressure starts to throb behind my left eye. It grows until it threatens to make me stumble through the obnoxious crowd of people. Groaning, I curled my lip. People gossiping. Lockers slamming. Shouts. Laughter. All of it drilled into my head, making me lose my breath for a second. I felt more than realized the gurgled groan that escaped my throat. Everyone seems louder, more active. As I tried to make my way past people, I'm jostled and bumped. It sounds like people are screaming in my ears. Maybe it's because this might be the last time they see some of their friends. After today, none of us would ever step foot in these hallways again. That would be our future factions job to finish our education.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose soothingly, hoping some of the throbbing would fade behind my eyes, but it was to no avail. Headaches didn't bother me too much usually, but every now and then I would get a splitting one like now. I used to get them all of the time on my medicine, but since I stopped they only came when I dreamt. Today was going to be a nightmare.

Just then, one voice pierced my concentration. "Look who we have here!"

Groaning internally, I squeezed my eyes shut. I was going to regret this. I could just _feel it._

_Be smart. Be Erudite. Be smart. Be smart…_

Curiosity won out. I peaked over my shoulder, the opposite way I should be heading to my advanced mathematics class, to see a taller gangly Candor boy flanked by two others, staring at someone hidden by their frames. Their arms were crossed, all of them wearing the same regulated black and white. They were short. Shorter than me, anyway.

Big surprise there. I was probably the tallest girl in the entire school.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood in sickly anticipation as I watched them step closer to someone else. I caught a flash of grey.

Abnegation.

Despite the peace the five factions bought, I'd seen more than a few scenes like this. Abnegation believed in selflessness, extending to being so selfless they wouldn't even stand up for themselves. With the recent rumors spreading around about the things their faction had been accused of, grey had become more of a target at school. The last one I'd read talked about their leaders beating their children. So selfless. People had begun talking behind their backs. Spreading deadly gossip. _Accidentally_ tripping them to send books flying. Taping one of the poor suckers to the toilet. The ways went on and on—really, anything crafty and tormenting flew here with the crueler people—mostly from Dauntless or Candor. I frowned at the scene in front of me. I'd never actually seen someone look so _aggressive_ about it though.

Do something. _I should do something_, my mind told me. I hesitated, my body refusing to move. Another voice whispered in my ear. _It's not your place. It's illogical._

The boy seemed very familiar. As a matter of fact, I recognized the punk from the blooming black eye covering the left side of his face. He was the same boy who had gotten in a fight earlier this weak when he tried taunting a Dauntless about being a cowered. The kid cold cocked him straight in the nose. He should have learned his lesson by now.

Subconsciously straightening, I clutched the straps of my backpack and turned towards them, my face blank.

I took in the people pausing at their lockers to crane their heads towards the commotion, the halls suddenly quieter than before. The school was listening. Holding its breath. I frowned, my head still pounding furiously. My chest squeezed the closer he got to the Abnegation, my grip tightening.

Did they panic like me? Could they feel the punk choking them with his breath, with his very being?

Everyone walking by ducked their heads and hushed their voices. They were probably listening, trying to find a subtle way to watch without getting caught. No one stopped. No one did anything. I watched as long as I could take it as the boys started to move closer to the person. A girl. I caught a flash of her face. Eyes down. Wide. Panicked.

This was wrong.

Swallowing, I tapped my fingers indecisively against my leg. By now I was only a few feet away.

"I'm surprised you can show your face around here, Stiff," the head boy goaded, pushing the girls shoulders a bit. She didn't even come up to his shoulder. She handled the derogatory term well. I glanced around, hoping a Dauntless or Amity would come by soon. They would step in and do something. They had to, right? Kindness and bravery. Did anyone have kindness or bravery? "With your leaders I'm surprised you guys are still leading the government. You think you deserve that? Huh, Stiff?"

Get away. I needed to get out of here.

My pride held me in place. My feet cemented to the ground. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't leave this girl like this. I couldn't make myself back down. Someone had to help her.

"_Oh baby! What happened? Were those boys picking on you again?"_ The voice was clear in my head and my vision swam as my brain pounded. A head-splitting pain imploded somewhere deep in my head, so deep I couldn't even place it. My knuckles cracked, my grip deadly on my backpack. The breath in my chest choked somewhere in my throat.

In front of the boys I thought I saw a tall, slender woman with long chestnut hair. A warm smile spread on her face—

The girl turned. Too short. Her face was round, her eyes were dark, with plain ebony hair down her back, making her oversized grey clothes seem loose. I blinked, snapping out of my daze. The boy was right in front of her. Smirking. Staring down at her.

"Hey!" I shouted, pushing my way towards them before I could second-guess myself. Inside I was panicking. _What are you doing? Turn around and get out. What the hell are you thinking?_ "What are you doing?" My voice came out strong and firm. So much surer than I felt.

All three of them turned towards me and the girl's head snapped up, her eyes trying to meet mine. I didn't dare look at her. Once glance and I knew I'd lose my courage. Instead, I kept my eyes trained on the tallest, the leader. Don't stand down. Don't stand down.

I stopped a few feet from them, my hands gripping my backpack straps desperately to hide the way they were shaking. The head guy laughed with his friends, looking over at them before waltzing up towards me. "What's this? Noser thinks you're going to be the better person?"

I gulped. That's what I should be, a good little brownnoser, the safe bookworm.

_Push them back._

Stealing my eyes, I glared down at him. "So what if I am?"

The girl behind the guys tried pushing her way in between us, words beginning to tumble out of her mouth. "W-Wait! She doesn't-"

One of the boys pushed her out of the way cruelly. Her shoulder slammed into the locker, ringing dangerously. Every eye turned towards us. Now people didn't even bother trying to hide it. Shameless. If the hallway was quiet before, now it was deadly silent.

"Hey!" I shouted, stepping forward to push the idiot back in return, but the leader blocked my path, his face inches from my own.

_Oh God,_ I breathed, fear suddenly creeping up into my throat. He was so close. So close. I could basically taste his breath on my face, count his eyelashes, _feel_ his hands crawling up my neck.

_Punch him. Do it._ I clenched my fist reflexively, shifting my stance to balance my weight. In my pounding head, I saw flashes from last night. Panic. Fear. My heart started to race. My palms were sweaty. I could do it now.

_Break him_, the seething voice in my head demanded.

I couldn't. My mind was teetering. Torn between running out of here and turning right back around and smashing that guys face in. One word. One thought. One _breath_ and I would do it.

"_This won't hurt a bit." In her hand was a syringe; a clear liquid dripped from the tip of a long sterile needle. "Hold still…"_

I physically recoiled, remembering the night terror. The boy laughed. Nudging one of his friends he jeered, "Look at her face! She can't even look at me without chickening out."

My fragile control snapped.

Snarling, I shoved him hard in the chest, sending him stumbling back. "Anyone would take one look at your ugly face and freak out too," I mocked.

His face burned bright red, the tips of his ears coloring. "Why you little-"

I shoved him back again, through his posy. The Abnegation girl stumbled back, fear on her face. His friends struggled to catch him. I managed to shove him back several feet. My arms burned with the effort. I heard the gasp in the crowd and let it feed me. _Don't stop. Don't stop_, a voice in my head chanted.

Seeing my face, his gaze faltered. It was only for a split second. Then his eyes narrowed, the burning red flush on his cheeks nearly glowed.

A group of people gathered around us. His lackeys caught him as he stumbled back into their arms.

All of his cronies roared out. "Show her who's boss Luke!" one called over the others. I hissed at the noise.

_Damn_ he was loud.

I'd almost forgotten about my headache.

Standing up as tall as he could, Luke still fell short to me by a few inches. A perk to being a tall misfit, I guess. Smirking, I glared down at him, straightening up and squaring my shoulders. If blood wasn't pumping through my veins right now, I might have outright laughed at him. Or cowered. _This isn't me,_ I cried inside. What was I doing?

"You'll pay for that, Noser," Luke snarled, stepping right up in my face. My eyes narrowed. "You don't belong here."

Luke was breathing straight in my face. It smelled like rotting pizza. I curled my nose in disgust, practically vibrating with energy. The fear was slower this time. Thicker, like molasses. "Get the hell out of my face!" I hissed, shoving him roughly back.

He stumbled. The darks of his eyes lit up, and he jumped back in my face. For a second I thought he would hit me. My body tensed. Subconsciously, I shifted towards the balls of me feet, ready to move, ready to pounce. Taking faster breaths, I narrowed in on his body language. Instead, he shoved me back.

I bounced against a locker with a loud _clang_.

For a second my head pounded. Everything shifted in front of me, the ground quaking. I felt a lurch just left of my belly button and knew I was turning green. It felt like I was going to hurl.

"You got a problem?" he shouted, jerking his arms out obnoxiously. "You wanna go?"

My eyes darkened.

Chaos broke loose and someone else took over my body.

Jumping forward, I cocked back my arm to deck him straight in the face. He sidestepped and my momentum threw me too far forward. Turning slightly, I rammed my other shoulder into his chest, knocking him back.

What I didn't expect was the fist flying towards my gut. The wind was knocked out of me in one swoop, leaving me breathless and stunned, clutching my stomach. Instant pain resonated through my body. Hunched over, I looked up to see one of the other two had moved forward reflexively, looking down at me with such a glare I felt like he was trying to set me on fire. I clenched my teeth.

Jerking up, I aimed the flat of my hand directly towards his throat. My palm shoved hard against his Adam's Apple. It gave way. The motion made my head swim, too fast without the air, but it was worth it to see him stumble back, coughing. That'd teach him to get involved in other people's fights. I hoped the prick choked on his tongue.

Straightening up, I stood to my full height. Luke managed to right himself back on his feet, leaping towards me with his fist pulled back. Panicking, I ducked. The air over my head whooshed. I moved forward, grabbing him around the gut. Swiftly, I brought my knee up as hard as I could.

He groaned, his body going limp.

I could feel him starting to lean over on me. Stepping back, I jerked my head up, desperate to get out from under him before he fell. Instead, a sharp pain shot through my head.

Cringing, I ducked back, hitting against the locker. I clutched my head the same moment Luke cradled his nose. Blood ran down his face.

"_Oh God,_" I groaned, unable to force one eye open through the pain.

Sharp. Crisp. Twirling. The world shifted under my feet as dots swam over my eyes. I felt in control for a second as my vision swam. My stomach gave a sharp lurch, and I almost thought I was going to lose it. _Shit._ I think I had a concussion.

Blinking furiously, I turned towards the last boy as Luke crumbled to the ground in a heap, his other friend still clutching his throat. His face was torn. Fight or flight. I could see it in his eyes. With a glance down at his two friends, he took a half step back and that was all I needed.

I didn't know what I would have done if he wanted to fight.

My chest was heaving as I looked back down at Luke, a deep and slow building fear built up in my gut. Blood was pouring down Luke's face, thick, dark red _blood. _That was from me. I did that.

What was I doing?

_What_ was I _doing_?

I couldn't do this. I didn't know _how_ to do this! What was happening?

_No. No. No. No. _"No", I cried, my lips trembling so much I could barely voice my thoughts. Stumbling back, I stared down at my hands. This wasn't who I was. This wasn't me. What was I going to do? What would Julie think?

Jerking my head up, I looked to see several people standing in the hallway, staring on in open abandonment. Every one of their faces was shocked. Stunned.

I needed to get out of here. Right now.

"What's going on here?" a shrill voice shouted over the murmur of the crowd.

Flinching internally, I looked behind me to see an Erudite woman shoving her way through the group of students. Everyone awkwardly shuffled out of her way, some quickly disappearing before they were caught hanging around the fight. I didn't move, staring over at her. When she finally made her way toward me, her eyes widened in horror. I tried hard not to flinch when she let out a gasp, finally able to see the two boys on the ground. I really did. With my eyes squeezed shut and my teeth aching I got ready for the worst. The blood must have been on me. I could hear her choked sound of disbelief, her hand snapping over her mouth. For a second, there was silence as she probably looked between the two hurt boys, one gagging and turning purple, the other bleeding out.

I took one last look around at the people staring at me. No one moved. Not to help me. Not even to help them. They were all cowards, too afraid to step up and defend someone. Afraid like me. I was trembling deep down in my bones, my eyes wide. Maybe they were all just too caught up in the self-righteous act of _pretending_ to fit in, they didn't dare move.

Finally the woman's eyes met mine. They were wide. Disbelieving. My face was blank as I watched her shock fade into anger.

"Ms. Cadwell! What is going on here?"


	3. Testing Traditions

_A/N: Another big thanks to all of those that have been following this story. Thanks JustCallMeWhatever and Faesong for your reviews. They both made me smile and kept me writing through the terrible season of final exams. I'll have the next chapter up next week, as usual :)_

* * *

Sometimes, it helps to think I'm small. Ever since the day I was born, I had always been freakishly tall, taller than any other girls I'd known. There wasn't anything normal about it. No matter where I went or what I did, I could see the heads of nearly everyone around me glancing, even if just for a moment, to see the enormous twig lumbering through the crowd. No, lumbering sounded too clumsy. I was much more – how could I say it – tactless. More than once, I had been called graceful – I was fairly active, so _hopefully,_ I was at least coordinated – but I never knew quite what to do with myself. It was almost like there was a delay between my brain and my body. Then again, maybe they stared because I was so _different_ from everyone else. It wasn't the way I looked or the things I did; it was something around me I wore like a fog. _Different. _Which, in factions, different apparently meant _odd._ That's why I fancied being small.

When a girl is small, not too many people notice them. It could be because they simply slip by people, unseen with all of the abnormally giant girls sauntering around. If not, then maybe people thought it was better to be shorter than taller. It didn't matter. I don't know _why_, but being small was normal.

And I would do anything to be normal right now.

Sitting stiffly in the cold metal chair in some office—I'd never had to come to this part of the school before—I bounced my leg anxiously as my eyes flitted around. Part of me wished I could curl up in a little ball and shrink into nothingness. The other part stood defiant, knowing I technically did the right thing by standing up for that girl. It might not have changed anything later on, but for once someone might think twice before picking on another Abnegation.

God, I was so stupid. So reckless.

The room was average size, the walls a neutral white. A desk was hidden behind a counter, sectioning off the room into a waiting area and reception desk, but no one sat in the seat. The only other chair in the entire room sat next to me, made out of the same uncomfortable metal that cut right into my lower back. There weren't any doors to be seen, excluding the one I had been ushered through.

Maybe if I was smaller I'd be more comfortable in this seat. I couldn't help but wonder. People didn't design things for the tall population, after all. Statistically, it didn't make sense.

I groaned.

I'd been waiting here alone for the past hour, at least, and my mind was starting to feel the strain of my uneasy solitude. After the Erudite woman led me here, past the staring students, she left me. Just like that. No warnings. No advice. All I got was, "Wait here." Then, with the click of the lock, she was gone.

I waited. That's what an Erudite would do, after all. They would wait and listen to what they're told. If I just stayed here, someone would come and explain everything thoroughly and simply. All I had to do was wait. Other Erudite members wouldn't tell me to do something wrong, not when we were groomed so meticulously to never get anything wrong in our entire lives, no matter the cost.

Why did I have to step in and pick a fight anyways? My mind couldn't seem to get off the thought. Fretting anxiously, I wrung my hands, tipping my head back against the wall behind me. There were so many different things I could have done. I could have gone and gotten someone, let them deal with it. It's what I should have done. No, I had to be an idiot. I was supposed to be smarter than that. Question after question swam through my head. Why would they just leave me here? Did they need to bring someone else in to punish me? Were they calling Jeanine? I shuddered at the thought. Hopefully not. I could only imagine how angry she would be if she was called in to scold a faction member the day before the Choosing Ceremony. Then something struck me. Were they calling _Julie_? Oh God, they probably were. They were going to call her and say her only daughter beat up two boys on arguably _the_ most important days of a dependents life.

Wait… What if they don't let me take the Aptitude Test?

I would be factionless.

Forever.

Biting my lip, I let out another groan. This was killing me.

"Ms. Cadwell," a deep voice called.

Snapping upright, my eyes locked onto the man that was standing across the room. For a second, my vision swam and my head throbbed, reminding me of the concussion I was growing steadily surer of. I couldn't tell if it was a result of my piercing headache or breaking a kids nose with my head. With a breath, I tried forcing myself to focus. The man. I should have heard him come in. My eyes flickered back to the door behind him. It was closed, the lock undone. Think. Maybe I was caught up in my thoughts. Maybe a lot of things. My mind stretched in a million different ways, and yet none at the same time.

At least he wasn't Jeanine Matthews.

Turning back to him, I quickly took everything in about the man. Like all other Erudite, he was in the blue, but his type of shoes gave him away as a teacher. Principle, possibly. They were hard leather. Polished, but scuffed. They weren't the safe lab shoes all of the researchers used or the spotless ones doctors wore. A messenger bag hung across his body. He was tall and wiry, a pair of rectangular thick-rimmed glasses balanced on his slightly crooked nose. There was nothing memorable about is face. Plain. Ordinary. Cookie-cutter. Still, as I looked into his murky brown eyes, I was struck with a sudden sense of trepidation. He was here for me. For my punishment.

My spine felt like it would snap if I tried locking it any straighter. Clearing my throat, I stood and stepped up towards him. Nearly every muscle in my back and legs protested, my joints stiff from sitting, but I ignored it in favor of smoothing my pants with a smile. My step was shaky and I had to close my eyes for a moment before I could right myself again. Another weakness. He'd have to be blind not to have seen it. "Yes?" I called, hoping he would take it as a cue to introduce himself.

Instead, he ordered, "Come with me." Holding out a hand he gestured to the door, letting me go first.

I hesitated. Questions danced on the tip of my tongue.

He answered before I could even ask. They must have been written plainly across my face. "I'm here to take you to your Aptitude Test."

Oh.

The man's face was professionally blank as I passed, but I could see the judgment and disapproval in the tightness of his eyes and rigidly of his posture. The body could never lie. I waited patiently for him to close to the door, and slid easily in line behind him as he took off down the hallway. The soft clicks of his shoes were the only noise around us. My feet were silent.

The silence pressed in around me. Halfway down the second hallway, it became too much. "What's going to happen to me?" I asked.

He didn't stop; his footsteps never faltered. Without even turning, he answered, "You're mother has already been informed of the situation. She'll be waiting to collect you after the test." Collect. I shuddered, the chill making my skin prickle. Not picked up. Collected. Like a tool. "A few Candors informed us what happened."

_Wait. _"Candors?" I asked, my voice choked. The bullies were Candors. They wouldn't have really asked them what happened and expected them to tell the truth. Would they? They might not even belong in Candor after tomorrow.

The man's eyes slid over to me, heavy like lead. I felt my chest tighten. "Of course." His voice was hard, sharp as a razor. "Are you suggesting there is a _problem_ in the faction system that we _shouldn't_ believe a Candor?" He might as well have slapped me in the face.

"N-No," I fumbled, recoiling a bit. Quickly backtracking, I tried to smooth the situation. "Of course not. There's nothing wrong with the faction system."

Another tense second later, his eyes finally released mine, and I exhaled softly in relief. Forget trying to ask this guy anything else. Whoever this man was, he was creepy. I kept my head down, determined to be nothing but a shadow behind him.

It only took me a quick moment to recognize where I was as we walked. They'd kept me in the recreational side of the building. In order to get to the classrooms where the test would take place, we'd have to walk across the school and past the cafeteria. Since the rooms weren't used for anything else during the year, they were all tucked closely in one back hallway. Each step closer, I felt the slight pinch in my stomach grow a little stronger. I was starting to wish I'd thought a little bit more about what was going to happen.

The cafeteria is packed when we walk by. I can tell before we get there by all of the noise echoing down the halls. They sounded happy, carefree. I glanced in, unable to stop myself.

A few people looked over. I didn't balk as our gazes meet. Deep in my gut, I can feel the recognition. It looked like I'd made a name for myself. Would I ever see them again?

Probably not.

Then, the cafeteria is gone, and I nearly ran straight into the man as he stopped abruptly in front of the next hallway. Quickly skirting around him, I avoided his oppressing gaze in favor for facing my fate. I didn't need to see the contempt, anyways. His face was so blank it was mechanical. He didn't even bother saying anything before I heard his retreat back the way we came. Only then did I stare after him a moment, frowning.

What a tool.

A completely ordinary Abnegation woman is waiting for me when I turn back around. I was almost startled; I didn't see her earlier. She's standing right in the middle of the hallway. Maybe she came out of a room to greet me. Either way, I tried not to worry too much. Abnegation _wanted_ to be unnoticeable. Her grey clothes are too large for her, but her face is warm and kind. If she wasn't standing alone by herself, I probably wouldn't have noticed the natural beauty she radiated. Of course it would be an Abnegation giving up their time to eat in order to administer the test for me. Selfless. I feel guilty under her gaze. Was she aware I had just beaten two boys a few hours ago, for her faction no less? Would she still be smiling at me the same way?

"Come this way please," the woman asked nicely. She held out her arm, gesturing towards the first white door out of the several lining the hallways. There was an airy quality to her voice that flowed like silk.

Shaking myself from my thoughts, I forced a small smile. I wanted to say thank you, at least open my mouth and say _something_ to her, but I found I'd lost my voice. Instead, I only nodded my head dumbly and ducked quickly into the room.

All of the walls were mirrors. It took me a moment to realize with how brightly the room is lit. There's not an inch of shadow in the entire place. Everything was startling white. It's almost enough to distract me from noticing the single medical chair in the middle of the room. A few smaller machines were next to it, one with a screen and the other covered in measuring devices as well as adjustment knobs. A serum station.

A stabbing pain speared my head.

"_Be sure to strap her in tightly. We don't want her moving." Hands moved across me. My arms and legs started to tingle as tight straps cut into my body. Another strap across my head. I couldn't move. Faces were closing in all around me. Fear. Pounding._

"_This won't hurt a bit." In her hand was a syringe; a clear liquid dripped form the tip of a long sterile needle. "Hold still…"_

The flash of memory hit me like a brick wall, sucking the air straight from my lungs. _No. Not memory. I haven't been strapped to a chair and forced an injection,_ I thought, but the logic couldn't pierce my brain. Gulping, my heart starts to pound in my chest. This was it? The test was a serum? My knees shook. They felt like they would give at any second. The throbbing in my head was absolutely crippling. Everything began shrinking in around me, choking me, squeezing me. A burn grew in the side of my neck.

I froze.

The Abnegation woman's voice snapped me from my terror. It was sweet like honey and rolled like a gentle stream. Still, I nearly jerked out of my skin. "Don't worry." My eyes flickered over to her—my body was still locked in place, every muscle so tight I couldn't have moved if I tried. She was giving me a smile, her eyes careful to stay on me, rather than any of the walls around the room. Paranoia creeps in on me. I can't breathe. "Nothing is going to hurt you."

I let out a deep breath, trying to focus on her voice. It was so gentle, I can feel it seeping into my skin. Relax. I am in control of my body and mind. I control my fear. I control it all.

"My name is Edith. Members of the test subject's"—my breath hitched slightly—"faction are not permitted to test the dependents, so I am going to be administering the test for you."

A little more. Relax. Breathe. Deep breathes.

"While I'm not allowed to tell you what the test is exactly, I can assure you there is nothing you have to fear in here. You can trust me."

There.

Slumping down slightly, I take a few more deep breaths before smiling weakly at Edith. I feel awkward after having a slight panic attack, but she kindly adverted her gaze and began clicking around on the computer. Thankful for the time, I take one more look around before heading towards the ominous chair in the middle of the room.

What if the walls weren't really mirrors? The question pops in before I can stop it, and I feel my body tensing again. They didn't have to be mirrors, after all. People could be on the other side. Cameras. Monitors. Was this the test? Were they waiting to see if I could figure it out? If not did that mean I couldn't make Erudite?

Did I even want to make Erudite?

I didn't know.

Once I'm sitting, Edith stepped forwards with two electrodes in her hand. "I'm going to have to attach these to your head so I can record your session and figure out your aptitude. They might be a little sticky, but try not to touch them." Her voice was soft and composed. I feel her fingers against my temples, feather-light as she pressed the electrodes into my skin.

_Stupid. Stupid. I'm stupid,_ I chided, closing my eyes and forcing my back down against the seat. I was stiff, not one inch of me relaxing back into the cushioning, and I fought desperately to stay in control. _I'm Erudite. I'm in control. No fear._

I prayed she couldn't see how I was shaking.

"Are you ready?" Edith asked. Her voice startles me a little, and my fingers twitch.

Her smile tells me she saw, but she doesn't say anything. My cheeks burn a little in shame and my tongue feels like sandpaper stuck to the roof of my mouth. Knowing my voice will crack if I tried to speak, I only nod, my hands locked firmly in my lap.

_I'm cool. I'm calm. I'm Erudite. I will be in control. I won't let my fear rule me._

My eyes wouldn't tear away from the monitor next to me. In my peripherals, I saw an endless sea of myself staring at the screen. Pale. Shaking. Terrified.

_I'm Erudite. I can do this. Nothing bad will happen to me. This is all for the future. No fear. No fear._

It doesn't help.

Edith gave me another smile as she reached down and grabbed a small glass filled with a clear liquid. For a moment, panic made me freeze.

Clear.

Clear.

_Clear._

The night terror threatened to resurface right here in the worst moment of my life. I could remember the fear plain as day. Restricted. My body quivered.

"Drink this."

Mechanically, my hand reached up. It was trembling and sweaty. The glass shook, the liquid nearly spilling out. I took one deep breath. I wouldn't let fear control me. Then, before I could change my mind, I knocked the glass back and I cringed at the taste.

I didn't even feel Edith taking the glass from my hand. The lights were so bright up ahead and the mirrors glared back at me. Fear struck for a split second as I realized my vision started to swim. This can't be happening. Not now. No. No. No. The thudding in my head matched the pounding in my heart. Then I was gone.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up is the blinding light above my head. Squinting back, I covered my eyes, waiting until they adjusted to the harsh light. I was sitting in the testing room. "Is the test already over?" I murmured to myself. Looking around, I searched for Edith, craning around in the chair to see if she's hiding somewhere in the room of mirrors.

Snorting to myself, I swung my legs out of the chair glad my body wasn't stiff. At least the test couldn't have lasted that long then. Forgetting must have been an aftereffect, purposefully blocking it from my mind so I couldn't tell anyone else what happened in the future.

I stood around the room a moment longer, impatiently drumming my fingers against my leg as I waited for what I was supposed to do. She never said if I found out my results right after the test. Maybe they sent them back to my house and I'd get them when I got home. Then again, maybe she just gave me some time to recover from the serum. She could have only stepped out for a second to get my results. I might have been under longer than she thought.

Concluding nothing bad could really happen, I decide to try and find Edith myself. Worst-case scenario, someone would just tell me to come back and wait for my results. No harm done. I hoped.

The halls were empty when I stepped out. There wasn't a single sole visible, nor the faintest echo of voices. Strange. I took a quick turn back down the way I came, hoping to see someone in the busier hallways.

As I came to the cafeteria my brain started prickling. It was silent. Where did everyone go? Weren't they supposed to take their test after lunch? No one had been standing in the hallways by the testing rooms. I couldn't have been asleep for that long. They would have moved me by then. They would have had to make room for others. I stopped as I walked into the cafeteria, frowning as I see it really is barren. Even the tables had been cleared out. "Where is everybody?"

A feeling in my gut pulled me towards the room, but I held back. There was something strange going on. A chill crept up my spine and the hairs on my arms stood at end as a nervous energy bubbled in my stomach.

I shouldn't go in. Something was wrong.

Just as I move to pull back and go away, I notice two pedestals in the middle of the room. Those hadn't been there before. At least, I didn't think so. Nibbling on my lip, I stared hard at them.

I walked up. Nothing was going to hurt me here. Despite that, I still felt the burning feeling on the back of my neck like someone was watching me. As I got closer, I saw there was only one item on each pedestal; the first held a large hunk of cheese, while the second displayed a deadly knife that glinted in the light.

"Pick one," a voice called, booming out of nowhere.

"Ah!" I cried out as a pain lurched through my head, nearly knocking me over.

"_I have a very important task for you," the same voice hissed in my ear. A viper. Pain. Sharp. My neck. It bloomed, ripping and tearing through my body inch by inch to my heart._

"_Don't fail me."_

Clutching my head, I gritted my teeth hard. The throbbing was back behind my eyes. I gripped the side of one of the pedestals hard until I was sure I could hold my weight. That voice. I knew that voice—intimately—but I couldn't place it. My knees trembled. Who was it? Where were they?

I looked around. No one was here. The room was still bare. I turned, trying to check the door, but I couldn't find one. No door. A flutter of panic welled up in my chest. How'd I get in? I could have sworn I walked through a door to get here. Did I just wake up here? My head was pounding. I couldn't remember…

Taking a few deep breaths, I calmed myself again. It was easier this time. Once my head was clear, I feel my eyes drawn by a bright flash of light. The knife was in front of me. Something deep in my gut called me to take it. Hold it. Admire it. I could see my reflection staring back at me in the blade. It was calling to me.

Hesitating, I pulled back. I was in control of my emotions. "How am I supposed to know what to pick?" I asked.

The same voice answered. "Choose."

Glancing around one last time, I gave into the temptation to hold something so dangerous and powerful in my hand. The handle was smooth and I was almost surprised by the weight. It's heavier than I thought it would be.

A vicious bark shattered the silence behind me. Heart leaping, I whipped around. A dog was standing across the room, larger than any beast I'd ever seen in my entire life, foam dripping from its mouth. Its eyes almost glowed, staring straight at me. The click of its claws scraping closer matched my steps back, absolutely prowling towards me. It was coming. Deadly. My heart started to race and I stumbled backwards over my feet. Suddenly my mind felt wide-awake as the dog cut the air with a grizzly snarl.

_Kill it. I'm supposed to kill it,_ I realize as the knife glinted in the light again. Immediately, I knew I couldn't. The twisting in my gut and the slight tremble in my fingers told me I'd fail. There had to be another way. I couldn't kill. Logic. Logic. There had to be a way out.

The dog's long sharp teeth glared at me as its mussel curled up in a mockery of a sneer. It circled closer and closer, every second closing the precious gap between us.

No time. My heart was pounding. My head was spinning. Now. I needed to do something _now_.

Too late.

The dog lunged, knocking me back with a slam. The breath shot from my lungs, and the automatic reaction to protect my face saved my throat from the fierce jaws snapping at my neck. Like an unstoppable force crashing into an immovable object, my body groaned and creaked, crashing back onto the ground in a thunderous clatter as the knife slipped from my hand. Snapping and snarling in my face, the dog pressed down, impossibly heavy. My arms burned trying to hold it back. My fingers were in its fur. Its eyes bled into mine. I could feel the foam and spit dripping down onto me, hot and wet. Kicking and snapping, its powerful raw energy knocked the breath straight from my lungs and tore at my stomach, my chest too tight. Too hard.

Turning red, I clenched every muscle, using every last ounce of my strength in a last chance effort to roll and throw the dog off.

With a yelp it rolled over, skidding to the side, and a searing pain shot through me. I tried scrambling to my feet, the pain hitting in my heart. Run. Run. My leg twisted and snapped to the side, my ankle failing. I fell back down in a crash as the dog rolled, flipping on its back, legs swimming through the air. I curled up, ripping at my hair as the fur turned to cloth and the yelp became a cry.

A foul smell choked me as tears streamed down my face. I let out a scream as crippling pain shot through me like lightning, zapping and sizzling. My ankle was broken. I could feel it. Water. Water is everywhere. Soaking into me. Drowning me. So foul.

Tristan was crying, _wailing._ His cries sliced at me, stabbing straight into my heart with a gut-wrenching twist. I had to protect him. I had to save him. For Father. Reaching out, I dragged myself through the sludge around me, one ankle trailing grotesquely behind me. Every movement felt like a mile; the space between us stretched out. Pain. I couldn't tell where his cries stopped and mine started.

They were coming. They were going to find us. Kill us. I could hear them now. Boots were pounding through the water. So loud. So close.

"Shhhh," I soothed, my voice choked and broken. My own sobs tore through me as I clawed closer and closer. His little arms were flailing, his cries raining down like a million knives.

"S-Shh-hhh. Shhhh. D-Don't cry. Don't cry. Shhh."

Just as my fingers grasp the edge of his blanket, I heard them around the corner. I could tell by the click of the guns behind me. Head whipping around, I was blinded. So bright. My vision swam.

Save him. I have to save him.

A hand yanked my up by my hair before I can grab him. "No!" I shout, reaching back and clawing.

"Let me go! Let me go!" I screech.

Tristan was crying. He's screaming and twisting, the sludge covering him, pulling him down. More boots slammed past, grabbing him. Dauntless. They're sneering. Their hands twisted around him, choking him, cutting off his cries. So loud. Tearing him away.

I sobbed, flailing towards him. He was counting on me. He was counting on me to save him. My baby brother. My Tristan. The grip in my hair yanked me back and a blinding white flash of pain shot through my side. Something hot and wet. Searing. Clutching my side, I reached out to Tristan's flailing little limbs. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. My heart pounding. Mind screaming. Lungs burning.

Failed.

Failed.

Failed.

I let out a blood-curling scream as I hear a deafening _bang!_

* * *

Jolting upright, my hands tear at my hair, an unimaginable white-hot pain ripped at my head. I could feel it. The blood pouring out of me. Everywhere. I felt the agony in every nerve. An ear-shattering howl of misery rang in my ears, echoing louder and louder. A blood-curling _scream._ Then I felt the scratchy burn in my throat.

It was me.

I clutched my side in tears, hyperventilating. The air wouldn't come. I couldn't breathe. The tears blurred everything, and my fingers tore at my clothes, desperate to see the wound underneath. My nails dig into my skin, scratching, clawing. It was gone. It was gone. He was gone. Another wave of terror shot through me as my cries fall silent in their pain. Clutching my head, I pulled myself into a ball.

"He's gone. He's gone. Tristan. My baby Tristan," I sobbed, the words so choked and broken they were nothing more than a pattern of moans and whimpers.

It was then that I heard it. Another sound. A sob.

My eyes shoot open in a moment of hope, and it nearly caused me to fall over the edge of the seat. A flash of grey dashed it against the rocks and something spider webbed in my chest. Edith.

The serum. _It was just the serum. _She was there. She was in the simulation with me. Edith was on the floor, one of the electrodes still attached to her temple, the other one ripped off as she fell. She was sobbing, big fat tears running down her face. Her entire body quaked.

Not again. Not again. I wouldn't fail again.

Reaching out blindly, my hand found her sleeve. I tumbled off the chair in a crash, but I couldn't stop. Stretching more, I found her hair, and through my own sobs I pulled her into me with a strength I didn't know I had. The pain slamming in my head was nearly too much as my hands fretted uselessly over her, touching her hair, her face, anywhere I could reach. "It-It's al-ri-right," I choke.

The door bursts open and Edith cringed deeper into me. I flinched, holding her tighter. They wouldn't take her away. Not her. Rocking back and forth, my heart bled.

Not again. Never again.

"I-I-I-I-I-I-It's," I choked, my breath hitching too much to speak. I had to gasp, pull myself in. Breathe. "It's alri-right," I whispered, touching Edith's hair. Calm. Calm.

Even as voices started to shout and cry to each other, I rocked and sobbed, our tears mixing together. We clutched each other like a lifeline. Somehow I found her hand. Our eyes locked, watery and intense, and I couldn't have looked away if I tried. We shared something now, the pain no one could ever understand.

My baby brother. My Tristan. I felt the sting too sharp and real.

"It-It-It's al-r-ri-right," I promised.

* * *

_A/N: When I got the review about the last chapter being intense, I kind of laughed - no offense intended at all, JustCallMeWhatever - because I couldn't help but wonder what you would think about this chapter. I guess I'm a dramatic writer, haha._

_For those of you wondering when Eric will be coming in, don't worry. It will be soon. Promise. You'll be seeing a lot of him in the future. I wanted to take my time with Ayriana's character development. Hopefully you all enjoyed my own little spin on the Aptitude Test._

_Please don't be shy :)_


	4. Acts of Rebellion

_A/N: Sorry this is a bit late. Finals are upon me and on top of that my beta has gone AWOL on me :( I'll apologize for any random little spelling mistakes I missed._

_Thanks so much for the reviews JustCallMeWhatever, FaeSong, Chocoegg333, and Ridea. It made me laugh when I saw you're comment Ridea. Now you know my writing style too :) It was great hearing from all of you. Another thanks to those that favorite and followed.  
_

_**Warning:** There _will _be someone speaking with a lisp in this section. Those spelling mistakes are intentional and it is supposed to be hard to read. Sorry if that drives any of you crazy. It's on purpose!_

* * *

I stared hard at the white ceiling, searching for answers. The room was filled with the constant beeps of machine's monitoring and mimicking the bodies in the room. I could hear my heart beating at me. Beep. Beep. Beep. It was sad. Slow. If it wasn't for that noise I would have sworn it wasn't beating at all.

What was happening to me? I used to have a normal life. It used to be easy and carefree. There was a time before the nightmares and the pain. Going out for walks, late nights studying with classmates, and jokes about obnoxious Candors. Looking over to the left, I saw Edith lying in the bed next to mine. Tear tracks strained her cheeks with angry red blotches even when she was knocked out. She curled as if something in her subconscious made her draw into herself, shrinking into a ball on the bed. Nightmares maybe.

I did that.

When did I lose control like this? I wasn't even _me_ anymore.

Turning back to the ceiling, I folded my hands on my lap. Whatever they gave me made me feel numb, a foreign entity in my own body. I wish I could be taken off to a deep dreamless sleep like Edith, but my body refused to shut down no matter how many drugs they pumped into me. I hadn't slept a wink all night. I couldn't force myself to close my eyes, afraid of what I might see. Another part of me was afraid I wanted to go back under. Tristan would be there. My little baby brother.

_No._ Biting my lip, I clenched my hands together until I could feel my nails digging into my skin. Tristan wasn't real. I didn't _have_ a baby brother. I had Julie. I had Erudite, my faction, and my books. Tristan was just a dream, a nightmare.

My heart clenched painfully. No amount of medication would be able to numb it. Why did this hurt so much?

I didn't really know who I was anymore.

Was I the girl running through rooms, screaming after my baby brother? Was that even the same girl that was strapped to chairs and forced to take serums? Or was I the girl in Erudite who couldn't even stand to touch my own mother? The questions were endless. My fingers twitched to feel at my side, searching for the scar that would have been left from the gunshot I'd taken to the side in my test. Had it been real? Would a scar be there? I couldn't bring myself to check. I already knew for a fact I had a scar there. But it was from falling out of the tree when I was little, from a branch impaling my side. That was when Julie held me and I felt like a regular daughter, one who wasn't afraid to touch her mother. Which was real? I felt adrift in the ocean of my mind, helpless to fight against the current dragging me further out to sea.

The door opened softly. I heard two people come in. Women. I could tell by the click of their heels. My eyes stayed trained on the ceiling, hoping they would go away and leave me to my musings. Even when I felt their eyes slide over me, rolling like a burning fog, I kept my eyes up. I didn't want to see their faces. I was a failure, a _monster._ This was all my fault.

I didn't deserve to be Erudite.

A warm hand fell on top of mine. I felt my heart spike and the beeps grew louder, faster. Before I even looked over, I knew the face I would see, and rather than joy, my heart clenched in a gut-twisting guilt. My eyes flicked over. Julie. She came. The shame of failing her was almost unbearable.

"Sweetie?" she called, her thumb rubbing circles over my skin. With all of the medication, I only felt a pressure against some barrier that pushed into me, so distant. Even numb, I could still feel her touch. She perched lightly on the side of my bed, too close for comfort. A coiling pressure threatened to choke tears into my eyes. "Honey, are you ok?" Her voice was soft and tender, careful not to wake Edith. As if she could.

Was I ok?

I didn't know.

I nodded anyways. It was a habit by now. It would be better if she didn't know the messed up thoughts running through my head, flashes of a brother that wasn't mine. If I pretended, she might not realize how bad things actually were.

My eyes moved over to the other woman in the room. I twitched back in surprise. "Jeanine!" I croaked. Rather than the shout I expected, my voice was choked, barely coming out over a whisper. Pain cut up my throat and I lurched up into a coughing fit. My throat was raw, my voice scratchy.

The leader of my faction stood perfectly collected at the foot of my bed, her hands clasped lightly over the slight layer of pudge around her stomach. Her face was the perfect mask of consolation and indifference. Jeanine. The second I met her watery, grey eyes, I was pinned in placed and I couldn't think. She was here. With her eyes like melted steel and her nearly symmetrical face, she was standing right in front of me. I trembled. Behind her glasses, I could see her brain spinning, always churning and eating up everything around her. She consumed knowledge like a machine. Right now, that gaze was directed right at me. My body ached as I fell back onto the bed. I knew it. She could see into me. The room felt thicker, smaller.

"I knew we would be seeing each other again soon, Ayriana," she began simply. I swallowed my tongue at the sound of her harsh voice. It felt like a razor grinding into me. I deserved this. I couldn't control myself.

Julie squeezed the top of my hands reassuringly. It felt like she was holding me down.

Jeanine didn't seem to notice or chose not to comment on the terror that must have been reflecting from my eyes. Instead, she smiled. It looked sad. Practiced. "I was afraid this would happen."

Julie's hand managed to wedge between my death-grip in my lap, squeezing my hand with a surprising strength. Suddenly clammy, I looked between both women.

Wait. She said she was afraid _for_ me_._ How could she possibly have known to be afraid? Confused, I leaned further back into my pillow, praying for some space. Julie kept me anchored in, her grip like a vice. I looked over to see if she was just as surprised by Jeanine's declaration as I was, but she was already staring down at me, waiting for my gaze. A sad smile spread across her face. It hit me like a ton of bricks. _Julie_ knew too?

My instincts seemed to know the answer before my brain caught up as every nerve in my body prepared to run.

"What?" I asked, weakly turning back to Jeanine. This couldn't be happening. "What do you mean you were afraid of this? How could you have known?" Did she know who I was? The conflicting thoughts raced through my head from the person telling me to be someone else, something I was not.

"What do you know about the memory serum, Ayriana?"

My world cracked.

The memory serum was one of the last results for people who had committed unspeakable crimes before execution. It erased every single thing in the subjects brain, down to the day they were born, and in its place a new identify could be created, a new life filled in. It violated the last boundaries a person had against the world: their mind. There were specific laws stating when it could be used. It wasn't supposed to even be thought of except for in the most _extreme _cases. It shouldn't _matter_ right now.

Instead of blurting any of those things, I took a shaky breath and said the one thing that didn't sound like an accusation, "It was invented years ago."

Jeanine nodded, taking two calculated steps around the bed until she stood on the other side, boxing me in between Julie and herself. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as I tried swallowing. The monitor in the background was going wild, beeping frantically. I could feel my blood pumping, the feelings already coming back to my toes little by little. "That is true," she agreed in her grating voice. It was like gravel scraping my ears. I prayed she'd stop there, but deep down I already _knew_ where all of this was going. "It is a serum your mother is quite familiar with. She headed the research to see if it would ever be possible to adapt it for security purposes."

My gaze slid over to Julie. The smile was gone now. In fact, this was the most serious I had seen her in the past few days, all of the warmth melted from her round face. It felt like I was looking at another woman. Never in my life had I wanted to pull away from her more than in that moment. Her skin felt like poison.

She might not even be my mother.

Julie cleared her throat softly, and I could tell she was anxious by the way her eyes flickered around my face. "I discovered a way to get into a subjects mind and extract specific information by accessing the hippocampus in the brain. Before, the subjects entire memory had to be completely extracted in order to implant any memories into another persons mind," Julie stated slowly.

"Extracted? As in taken out?" I asked, trying to keep my voice strong. I managed to sound much more indifferent than I felt. They could go in and steal people's memories. Why would anyone need to do that? Why would anyone else need to see into someone's mind like that? I could feel everything I knew breaking down with each second.

Jeanine answered this time. "There has been a growing disturbance in the factionless section. People were starting to question the authority of the factions as well as our way of life." Her eyes cut into me like lasers. "In order to protect the city, we had to find all of those who threatened us, much like the owner of the memories you have."

_Those were someone's _memories_? What could they have possibly done to deserve to be treated like _that_?_

I barely snapped my jaw shut in time to stop the words from spitting out. I wouldn't dare say it out loud. The disgust was too overwhelming to even begin to _think_ about the implications of what she was saying. As I glanced slowly between the two of them, each standing on one side of my bed, a chill ran down my spine like ice. What if I didn't know either of them? What if this life, my life, was all a lie?

Then again, what if they were telling the truth?

Julie's hand reached out and I felt her fingertips trailing up my arm. Her claws sunk into my shoulder. I shuddered. "Do you understand what this means, sweetie?"

I was living with someone else's memories. I was plagued to live with the fear of someone who was fighting the faction system—a system so strong and deeply rooted even the idea of _thinking_ about it failing was unfathomable—someone that very well could be dead. The other option was too surreal to even think about. I wasn't _me_. I understood. Something would always be wrong in my head. I'd never know what parts of me were real and what parts were someone else living inside my brain.

Was the anger I felt towards the Candor boys me? Was that really _me_ fighting them? Or was that someone else's instinct, someone else's rage fueling me from deep inside?

My brain felt like it was swimming to keep up. Any second, I was going to drown. My emotions were bubbling up to physically choke me, so strong I couldn't even fight them. This was why I couldn't remember anything since I was eleven. This was why I experienced night terrors so powerful I woke up _screaming._

Everything in my life could be a lie. I could have lost _everything_.

"You're saying,"—I couldn't stop my eyes from drifting over to Edith, the words tumbling uncontrollably out of my mouth like venom—"_that_ was someone _else's_ memory." Jeanine's face was stoic as ever, but Julie's eyes looked like they held true sympathy. A lie. It was a big fat lie. "You're saying, you decided to test your experiment on your own_ daughter._ I was just a _kid!_" I spat. Jerking my hand away from her, I moved as far back in the hospital bed as possible from them both.

Julie recoiled as if I'd struck her. The next second her eyes flashed and I saw a side of her I'd never seen before. I refused to back down; as she stood up, I squared my jaw, ready for the storm. "That night was an _accident_." Her voice was hard, straining. I tried to tell myself it was pain I was seeing in her eyes. Was this why I could never stand being close to people anymore? Did she scar me so much I couldn't even be touched? "I made a _mistake, _Aryiana," she pleaded, but I couldn't help but curl my lip in distaste. "I tried to do everything I could to fix it, but there was nothing left. All I could do was try to erase the memories I gave you."

When she reached out for me again, I jerked my hands out of her grasp before she could so much as lay a finger on me. "Then maybe you shouldn't have experimented on me in the first place," I hissed.

Jeanine stepped up, her very presence enough to snap me away from my argument. The anger boiling inside of me simmered underneath the surface. I felt so _betrayed_. While I knew I should apologize for shouting underneath Jeanine's piercing gaze, for once in my life, I didn't want anything to do with Erudite's emotionless mask. I shouldn't have to. I had nothing to apologize for. Jeanine looked over my shoulder to Julie.

The bed rustled as she stood. I bit my lip hard to keep from looking over at her. There was only a beat of silence before I heard a slight hitch in her breathe. Then, she was gone. The door clicked quietly behind her.

I felt sick.

Mindful of who I was in front of I laid back down, trying my best to fight off the pained expression on my face. She left. Just like that she left. No matter what happened or what her reasoning was I knew I would never be able to look at her the same ever again. Before, she'd been an oppressive mother so present it was suffocating. Now, I could see maybe there was a reason for that. Maybe she was trying to make up for something, for ruining my life from the memories she cursed me with. I'd never be able to forgive her for that.

After tomorrow, I wouldn't have to.

Jeanine only granted me a moment of silence, her eyes never leaving my face as I fought to compose myself. It should have bothered me. It should have at least made me feel uncomfortable having my emotions on display in front of someone so important, but things felt too surreal. Too empty.

I didn't know how to even begin thinking about all of this.

"Julie was our best researcher until that accident," Jeanine announced, clasping her hands behind her back. Her lips twitched into a ghost of a smile. It was so sad. So distant. For a second, her eyes clouded over as if she was remembering something, her feet taking her over towards Edith's body. I shifted uncomfortably. "Memories that come from the factionless are always the hardest to adapt to. They're so violent." She reached out, brushing some of Edith's hair out of her face. My throat felt dry. "Not too many people are able to handle the burden. To be strong enough to break out of the simulation … the fear must have been beyond compare."

_Edith might never be the same,_ I realized with a pained expression. In a matter of minutes, I'd poisoned her brain forever. There was nothing she could do to erase that pain we shared.

These were someone's memories in my head. That meant Tristan had been real. The girl, whoever she was, could still be out there, no matter how unlikely. Had they already killed her too? A sudden purpose filled me like a storm, stretching through every inch of skin until I could feel it buzzing inside like a tornado.

"Who's memories?" I forced out, unable to sit and listen to anymore. I had to know. My guilt was eating me alive inside knowing this girl might be out there. Seeing Edith made it too real.

Jeanine looked over, a perfectly rounded eyebrow raised.

I licked my lips, repeating myself louder. "Who's memories was I given? Why were they running?"

"The memories you have belong to a little girl born in the factionless community. Her parents were organizing a series of protests and demonstrations to try to spark a revolution and we were trying to find anyone else involved through her memories."

_They had to be taken care of._

I didn't miss the silent implication.

Jeanine walked back over, smiling down at me. It was the same calculated twist of features she wore when she came in, but I pretended not to notice. I didn't smiled back, instead staring straight ahead, knowing it would seem odd if I didn't seem troubled. Without knowing what else to think I slid into the one thing I knew better than anything, lies.

"You truly are brave," Jeanine smiled. Her words resonated deep inside me. "I wish you the best of luck tomorrow, Ayriana. I know you will pick what is best for you."

I paid extra care my voice didn't come out as fake as I felt. "Thanks." I smiled weakly. Someone would be happy if their faction leader cared enough to wish them luck. Right?

When she left, I let my smile slide off my face.

* * *

It's raining again the next morning. I knew even before the man taking me to the Choosing Ceremony pulled out into the continuous pitter-patter of the storm in his sleek car. My ankle was stiff; my early set arthritis flared up with the weather. It always ached in the rain.

A pair of clothes had been waiting for me on the corner of my bed; a plain navy blue pencil skirt with two small slits, one on each side, a white button up blouse, and a thin over coat. There was a small pair of flats to finish the outfit. I knew without a doubt where they had came from: Julie. It was the last thing she would ever do for me. She had to know it too. Skirts had always been an enemy of mine. There was no way I'd be able to move around in them, even with the slits. The last thing she would ever give me was something I couldn't even stand.

Some mother she turned out to be.

The drive to the Hub was silent. It wasn't far from the Erudite hospital Edith and I had been taken to and it certainly wasn't enough time for me to think through what I was about to be doing. I felt bad having to leave Edith without a goodbye; she'd still been asleep when I left.

People were already crowding around the Hub by the time the car pulled up. Due to the rain, everyone was darting in, a sea of umbrellas and scrambling people trying to escape the rain. All colors mixed together: red, yellow, grey, white, black, and blue. It was a sight to see. A shrill whistle of the train alerted everyone to the impending arrival of the Dauntless; they only traveled by train. As bodies flung out of the carts more black bled into the crowd, taking over everything. It was surreal to watch. It stirred something deep inside me.

I watched for only a second before getting out of the car, murmuring a thank you to the man that had driven me. The rain hit me in splatters, cold against my face. Keeping my face down, I bended silently in the crowd.

By the time I made it inside, I probably looked like a mess with my damp clothes and bloodshot eyes. The aftereffects of being pumped with drugs and another sleepless night I guess. The few curious looks I got from others I brushed off, instead slipping quietly into one of the waiting elevators with various Erudite, Candor, and Amity. Abnegation and Dauntless always took the stairs, but even without them I felt a pinch of fear setting in as bodies crowded around me, pushing me back against the far wall of the elevator. Bodies pressed into me. I could feel the heat of their bodies seeping into me like a drug, the pressure pushing back into me. The drugs were gone. I could feel again. No exit. No exit.

_Breath,_ I thought. After a tense second, a ding rang out and the doors slid open.

I waited until everyone else had filed out to take a calming breath. The door nearly closed on me when I stepped out into a dome-shaped amphitheater; I was moving too slow. Thankfully, everyone had moved into the room, all chatting loudly and shifting to find a seat. Five sections of chairs stretched out in front of a stage to keep everyone separated from one another. I stared for a moment, just watching as peoples eyes darting around the room. Future initiates shuffled around, someone laughing loudly, but most were quiet, subdued. Their eyes kept stealing up on the platform where five pedestals with metal bowls stood, each holding a representation for their faction: grey stones for Abnegation, dirt for Amity, glass for Candor, water for Erudite, and lit coals for Dauntless.

They were the same pedestals from the Aptitude Test yesterday. Representing my final choice…

I took in the groups of people clustering around. Abnegation sat on the far wall, quietly talking in the sea of grey. Amity laughed and smiled, parents holding their children close. Candor talked loudly, gesturing intensely to each other. Erudite walked calmly over towards their seats, only sharing the require pleasantries with those they knew. Then there was Dauntless, loudly shouting and slapping each other around, broad grins on their faces as they laughed and hollered in their seats. Kids were looking around, some worried, others smiling easily. Families were littered around the room.

My eyes found the only person sitting alone in Erudite's designated section. Her eyes were already waiting for me, the soft brown appearing hard across the room. Julie. Halfway up with her arms clasped neatly in her lap, she stood out like a sore thumb.

I swallowed thickly. She came. I made my way towards the front of the section, purposely adverting my gaze away. I wouldn't sit with her. Not now.

At then o'clock sharp, a tall weather-beaten woman with dark hair and a sun faded red shirt stepped up onto the platform, silencing all voices. Seeing the ugly scar running from her chin all the way up through her eye made my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth. It's was Amity's turn to host the ceremony. To get such an injury in Amity, the place where they believed in kindness above all else... I drummed my fingers anxiously against my leg, waiting with bated breath for her to start speaking. She stood silently for a moment, her good eye scanning over the crowd.

Finally, she spoke, her voice heavy in a lisp. "Welcome to the Choothing Theremony. Today we honor our anthestorths, which tellths uths every man haths the right to choothse hiths or her own way in life."

Her words rang in heavy in my mind, though her lisp made her hard to understand. My head almost felt fuzzy. I couldn't tell if it was the lack or sleep, the drugs, or the flutter in my chest. This was it. I bunched my fingers into my skirt, wrinkling the uncomfortable fabric.

"Our dependenths are now thsixteen. Here they are at the door of adulthood, and they will dethcide what kind of person they'll be. Generationths ago, our relativeths realithzed that human perthsonality was to blame for the warring world that nearly destroyed uths. They divided into factionths that looked to eradicate thothse qualities they believed rethsponthsible for the disarray of the world."

My eyes shifted to the bowls in the center of the room, along everyone else. What did I believe? I didn't know.

"Thothse who blamed aggrethssion formed Amity." The Amity exchanged smiles. My eyes followed over them, watching in a trance-like state as they all moved the same ways. Kindness and peace. They would do anything for it, even lie. A knot built in my chest as Edith's sobbing face flashed into my face. Then I see the Candor boys. Luke's blood. So red.

I wasn't kind_._

"Thothse who blamed duplithcity created Candor." I'd never fit in there. My lies were my cloak. My safety. My eyes locked onto Luke in the crowd, drawn to his black and blue face like a magnet. I'd never fit in with people like _that_.

"Thothse who blamed thelfithnethss made Abnegation." Timid, silent people. Always turning the other cheek. They shifted their eyes away as if they could feel the room looking over at them, sinking into their seats. That wasn't me. I couldn't fade into the background like that.

"Thothse who blamed ignoranthce became the Erudite." Ignorance. That was what they called it. My hands clenched into fists. The faction that praised intelligence clinging behind lies.

Could I live in a place I knew had wronged me? Could I really try and advance technology that was being abused like that?

No.

"And thothse who blamed cowardithce were the Dauntlethss."

I shifted in my seat, trying hard to ignore how my heart raced.

The people that chased me in my dreams. Crazy. Loud. Bold. Looking at them, my eyes lingered at the angry black ink scarring their skin and the metal glinted off their faces. I tried picturing myself like them, but every time my mind came close I heard that gunshot in my ear and the piercing pain in my head and heart.

What was I? What was I?

"Working together, thethse five factionths have lived in peace, each providing for each other and thociety. Abnegation provideths thelfleth leaderths in government,"—I struggled to understand what she was saying, her words so slurred they were painful to listen to. I squinted, trying to make my mind focus—"Candor provideths truthworthy leaderths in law; Erudite giveths intelligent teacherths and advantheths in technology; Amity giveth underthanding counthelorth and caretakerth; and Dauntleth provideth protethion from threath both within and without."

Nothing. I didn't get anything out of that. That would be my future, what I would be providing and I didn't understand a single word she said. Even if I already knew what she was saying, I couldn't stop the tick of annoyance in my head. _Couldn't they have picked someone without a lisp for the speech?_ I thought with a frown. It might have been cruel, but I didn't really care.

If I'd been lied to my whole life, why couldn't be a bit bitter?

Could I be a teacher? A government leader? A caretaker? A solider? A lawyer?

_No,_ a voice in my head screamed. _You'll never fit in with them._ "Shut up," I whispered. The Erudite families around me turned, perplexed and offended looks on their faces, but I ignored them.

_I can fit in. I can be normal._

"Yet, a faction givths much more. We give one another far more than can be adequately thummarized. In our factionth, we find meaning, we find purpose, and we find life. Apart from them, we would not thurvive."

The silence that followed her words is heavier than other silences. It was everyone's worst fear, greater even than the fear of death: to be factionless. My gut churned thinking of the life they led and y aggravation shifted into something fiercer. I can't help but picture the girl in my head and Tristan. Did their family hear this speech too? Did they fail to serve their faction?

I wouldn't be factionless. Couldn't be. That wouldn't be me hunted down like a dog.

Johanna continued, her voice lifting to lighten the weight that settled over the room, "Therefore, let today be a thelebration—the day on which we get our new initiateths, who will work with uth toward a better thociety and a better world."

On cue, everyone started clapping, the noise thunderous in my ears. I didn't clap, didn't move. My fingers were still clenched in my skirt, my face twisted in a sneer. I stared numbly at the different pedestals as Johanna moved to begin announcing names. This entire system was ridiculous. If Erudite was doing all of this, what else was happening I didn't know about? This entire ceremony was one giant glorification that fed the ego and vanity of the factions. Why should it matter where we went?

"Jethica Abbey," Johanna's voice calls, ringing over the crowd.

Alphabetical order. Something pooled in my stomach, something intense and churning, and my palms started to sweat. I'd be next.

An Amity stepped forward, leaving the cocoon of her parents to walk down towards the bowls. Everyone stared, silent, waiting. I don't turn to watch her come down the steps towards me. I barely saw her as she passed by, too caught up in my own thoughts. Johanna passed her a knife. The girl took it with a shudder. I could see her tremble.

This was supposed to be an easy choice, one made by the Aptitude Test. The test Erudite invented to tell us where to go. I didn't even have the Aptitude Test to tell me where to go, who I was. In my head, I didn't even know what part of me was _me._

Blood trickled into her hand as the knife cut into her palm. I stared. The knife glinted as Johanna took it back. I'd wanted to hold it so badly in the test. Now, the weight of it seemed impossible. Then the girl shoved out her fist, her blood dripping down into the soil for Amity. She stayed. Her faction clapped, welcoming her.

What would my faction do?

"Ayriana Cadwell."

Sucking in a deep breath, I pushed myself up from my seat. My legs wobbled until I set my shoulders and locked gazes with Johanna on stage. Her good eye sent chills running down my spine. Deep breathe. Walk.

I didn't know what to pick for myself. How was I supposed to choose if I didn't know which faction I had an aptitude for? I don't know; I don't know; I don't know.

My footsteps were sure, reflecting nothing of my inner battle.

I felt reckless. I felt dangerous. I was tired of being controlled. Controlled by my fear. Controlled by lies. So tired.

My hand trembled a little as Johanna offered me the knife, but I refused to balk under her gaze. The blade glinted in my hand. Small. Nothing more than a razor, really. It felt so much heavier in my hand, heavy with a purpose. I felt strong. With a deep breath, I dug the blade deep in my flesh. I winced at the pinch. Blood pooled out, more than what should have; I'd cut too deep. Everything was muffled in my ears, my heart pounding loud in my ears.

No more fear.

I took a deep breath and stuck out my arm.

My blood sizzled on the coals.

* * *

_A/N: The fateful decision. Hope you liked how I wrote it. If any of you are worried the training will be the same as others stories, don't fret. I'm shaking things up a bit!_

_Let me know what you thought!_


	5. First Steps

_A/N: Sorry this is a little late! There was a lot I wanted to get in here so the story can move on and the one person everyone wants to see can make an appearance :D Sadly, I'm still without a beta at the moment so there might be a few slip-ups I didn't intend, not to use that as an excuse, but more of a warning. I really appreciated all the feedback and comments pointing out things I could change. They were great!_

_Thanks so much for all of the people that favorited and followed my story. It's amazing how many people are reading this now. A big shout out to JustCallMeWhatever, Vex, Ridea, licia33, and kmcgeezy for your wonderful reviews. And Silver doe 3 for the message. It was quite surprising, but nice. I loved hearing from all of you!_

* * *

The Ceremony was a blur of applause and names, bodies streaming by. Name. Knife. Bandage. Applause. Name. Knife. Bandage. Applause. The same cycle repeated like a carousal rolling in my head. Since I was so early in the list, I had to wait until everyone else went before I could leave. My eyes seemed to blur out, not focusing on any of the faces or things around me. All I felt were the bodies I was pressed between, all in black clothes, crazy hair colors and styles, with metal sticking from their faces. Yet, I didn't feel the pinch of panic having them so close. My throat wasn't closing and my heart was calm.

I was numb.

No one told me how I was supposed to feel after making the biggest decision in my life. The feeling was surreal almost. It was odd. Nothing felt different. It felt as if nothing had changed.

Without knowing what else to do, I fell into the same routine as those around me, clapping when someone else chose Dauntless—I refused to be any more boisterous, let alone _shout_—and staring silently when someone left. The air around me buzzed. My new family. Unlike other factions, they were almost always moving, whispering, laughing. Standing with them, I heard it all.

Julie was watching me. I felt it all the way down to my soul. No matter how hard I tried bringing myself to look over at her, my head wouldn't move. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction knowing I was thinking about her. I wouldn't let her think I cared. I couldn't.

Before I could dwell too much on it, the ceremony was over. I only noticed because Johanna stepped up, saying something I missed in her painful lisp. Probably about wishing all of the initiates luck with their choices. I couldn't imagine anything else. What a predictable ending. Then right after her foot left the first step, the room erupted.

"Alright!" a man next to me screamed.

Physically jolting, I jerked away from the sound, completely thrown out of whatever world I had been in. Like a mob, everyone exploded up around me with more cries: "Let's get going", "Finally", screaming. Eyes wide, I spun in my seat, staring as countless fists pumped in the air and every Dauntless member around me burst from their seats, some not even going towards the isles as they shoved through rows, stepping on whatever was in the way. "What the hell?" I whispered.

I reacted a second too late, realizing I was quickly getting left behind as the mob of black surged through towards the hallway. Alarmed, I shoved myself from my seat, quickly falling into their ranks along with the other panicked and confused initiates around me. They were the only other ones frantically looking around. I wasn't ready to run with them, and my heart was already racing in response. They were loud, screaming and hollering as they punched fists into the air.

Panic hit me as I realized we were heading towards the elevators. Imaging being packed in a tight space with these people around me made my throat close up. When I noticed people streaming by the metal doors it physically felt like a weight had been taking off my shoulders.

Dauntless didn't take the stairs.

We were a pack, a chaos of rhinos bursting down the stairs in no rhythm, no order. My skirt kept pinching at my knees, preventing me from stretching out and falling into my usual stride and my feet groaned in my flats, protesting the lack of padding. The few times I had to skip steps to keep up with everyone, I felt my skirt bunch a little higher around my legs. Anymore and I might as well take the thing off for all the good it was doing. Twice, I would have fallen if not for the sea of bodies around me, holding me up. "Where are we going?" someone hollered, slightly out of breathe.

No one answered. "Hurry up!" someone hollered instead. My brain was too split, too fuzzy to think about answering. I wouldn't have answered if I could; none of the other Dauntless did.

I was Dauntless now. _Fit in._

Before I knew it, I was outside again.

It was still raining, coming down harder now than before. Water sloshed into my flats as I accidentally stepped in a puddle and I shivered, hating the feeling. Pausing, I stepped to the side, shoved and jostled out of the way as others raced past me, still laughing and shouting loudly. The rain didn't seem to bother any of them at all. In fact, they only seemed to go faster, shoving and giggling as people slipped and slid around on the mud and through puddles.

"Come on Grunt!" some hollered back at me.

I panted, slightly out of breath from the stairs. I knew what was going to happen now. Dauntless only traveled one way. If I was going to have any chance at keeping up, I was going to need to be able to use my legs.

Bending down, I gripped one of the slits in my skirt and pulled as hard as I could. My fingers ached, and for a second, I thought the fabric was going to hold. Then, with a loud_ rip_, it split halfway up my leg, showing off the blinding white skin underneath. A little bit more than I was after, but then again, I didn't really have time to complain. I was so _pale._

Someone whistled, and like that I was running again. If I was going to end up factionless at any part of this initiation, it wasn't going to be because I was too much of a pansy to keep up with a few people _running._ Hell no. My legs stretched further now that my skirt wasn't getting in the way. My feet splashed through puddles. Dauntless members are fitter than me, but I was fast and light on my feet and as I pushed my body, forcing my legs to go faster, I slowly started catching back up. It was like I was falling back into an old routine.

This felt good.

A stitch started to form in my side, and I knew my face must be red. Still, I couldn't help but laugh as I realized my white blouse was almost completely see-through at this point. God. It was like Julie did this on purpose.

The train tracks were just around the corner. I had to look up to see them. These weren't the ones I had thought we would be headed towards; these ran at least thirty feet up in the air. The only possibly way to climb up were the metal support beams that held it off the ground. This was crazy. I couldn't believe I was doing this. This was crazy.

Laughing, I pushed faster, feeling something uncoil inside me as I finally melted in with the people around me. My lungs burned, and the stitch in my side screamed. I still couldn't stop the bubbling excitement when I saw black clad people starting to scale up rusty metal pegs along the rail supports. This felt so _stupid_, so _dangerous._

I loved it.

Not wasting time, I hopped in line, eager for my turn. Any second now, the train could come barreling down the tracks. If I wasn't up there in time, it would all be over. Just like that. I wanted to see where this would go, what would happen next.

Finally, it's my turn and my arms trembled as I pulled myself up the first rung, suddenly fully aware of my skirt. Great. The metal was slick and cold in my hands, and for once I was thankful for being tall. I easily stepped up to the next rung, putting all of my weight in my feet instead of trying to heave my body up with my arms on slick metal. I wouldn't have made it if I had to. Even now, I clutched the metal like a lifeline, my fingers aching with the white-knuckled grip I had.

"Ahhh!" someone screamed off to my left.

Tensing, I whipped my head around. A girl. Someone fell. There was a loud crash and water shot up in the air as she landed in a puddle. Everyone jumped out of the way in shock. The girl screamed again, her body jerking up as she reached to grab something.

Holy shit.

A sense of urgency filled me as I paused, watching her lying in the mud, gripping her ankle. An initiate.

The first failure.

"Hurry up, Initiate!" someone yelled from below.

Gulping, I turn back, looking up through the rain to see I was almost to the top. My eyes burned from the water, but I resisted the urge to wipe my eyes. Not after what I'd just seen. The metals slick, but soon enough I was there. My muscles burned from the effort and I panting. But I was there. I felt my legs trembling as I crawled out of the way, further onto the tracks. Safe.

_I need to workout_, I panted, resting on my knees while my legs caught back up with the rest of me. After seeing that girl, this didn't feel like as much as a game anymore.

I allowed myself a few seconds of rest before pushing myself to my feet and moving to where the Dauntless members are lining the side of the tracks, bouncing on their toes. They were grinning. A few people were still sticking their heads over the sides of the tracks, craning their heads to see who'd fallen. Their feet were too close to the edge for comfort. My skin prickled looking at them. Most people were already past it, shoving each other and laughing as they waited. It was like they were unaffected.

"You ready for this?" a girl asked next to me.

For a second I almost thought she was a man from her shaved head and deeper voice, but when I looked over the small slip of cloth over her straining breasts destroyed any other thought. I suddenly didn't feel awkward about the scandalous amount of skin I was showing. Compared to her, this was nothing. I guess Dauntless was a little more liberal than Erudite.

Good.

"Hell yeah," I answered, feeling a little silly for cursing, but it was worth it when she laughed and clapped me on the shoulder.

I was going to fit in here, just fine.

Hopefully.

The whistle of the train shattered the air. I jumped, and as members around me looked over and laughed, I chuckled a little, trying hard to ignore the burn in my cheeks. This wasn't the time to be embarrassed. I turned to watch the train whip around the last turn before the straightaway, amazed by the flutter in my chest seeing it coming closer. The girl that'd talked to me shoved by. I might have stood there, feeling the race of my heart as it came closer and closer if she hadn't jostled past me, reminding me this was for real. I'd have time to stand around and gawk later. We all turned, taking off running away from the train as it got closer and closer. The tracks vibrated under my feet.

It raced by in a rush of air. The force nearly blew me straight off my feet. My feet slipped a little, but I was quick to regain my balance, pushing myself further to catch up a bit more. Running next to the train was indescribable. It was just amazing. Experienced members didn't waste a second before reaching out to grab a hold of the handles by the doors lining the side of the train. I watched, amazing as they took two steps and leapt up, their grip not faltering a bit as they swung themselves in.

I swallowed, looking over at the door near me. Taking a deep breath, I jumped out. My fingers slipped around the wet handle, but somehow I managed to swing my lower body up and around before I completely lost my grip. It must have looked awkward, but all I cared was that I made it in. Another person jumped in right behind me, almost ramming straight into me.

To get out of the way, I headed further in the cart, noticing I was the only initiate in this car. A small sense of pride swelled in me. That meant I was the fastest initiated to get on the train. Curiously, I inched toward the door again, mindful of the last person jumping up, to peek my head out.

The rain slammed into the back of my head, painful now with the speed behind it. I cringed against the needles, fighting the urge to duck my head back in. I only managed to poke my head out for a second to see someone that looked like Luke climbing into a car a few back.

Lovely.

Suddenly sour, I stood as close to the edge as I dared, looking out over the city while I clutched the door handle with everything I had in me. I heard a few people shuffling around behind me, but I couldn't make out what they were saying over the roaring sound of the wind. Feeling so disconnected was almost refreshing. I didn't want to go through the motions of artificial talk with someone I might not even see again once I got to the Dauntless compound.

The city was stunning. The clouds are a deep thunderous dark grey, but there wasn't any lightning. With the rain, all of the buildings were blurred, and it was almost a mesmerizing pattern of the trains reflection against windows and flickers of cut outs where streets showed further in. Just then, the buildings thinned out. I stared, taking in everything I could as fields of grass popped up and the mile high wall surrounding the city came into view. This was what I was going to be doing for the rest of my life: protecting the city from whatever dangers there were out there. I'd probably be standing right here on this train, looking out over the city. Looking at the fence, thinking of what was out there, an ominous feeling spread deep in my chest. Anything could be out there. My brain tingled as if I knew something about it. It felt like I'd been here before, staring at this same thing. But _why?_

Did it really matter what was out there? As I stared out, I frowned at the sudden barrage of thoughts that crossed my mind. Dauntless didn't hold anything special for me. There was no reason for me to pick this life. It was just the best choice at the time. I couldn't fight the wave of melancholy that raced through me. It didn't _matter_ that I was here.

Would it ever matter?

The wind threatened to pull me out and knock me down, but I leaned against the train and loosened my knees to absorb some of the pull and shift my center of gravity. I struggled with the balance for a second. I wasn't used to the pattern of shakes and shifts of the train, but I would be. No matter what I thought about my choice now, my fate was already set. The only other option for me now was Factionless. If there was a chance though, no matter how small it might be, that my life in Dauntless could be full of this moment—the roaring wind and flashes of the city as the train blew by—I could do this. Maybe this life wouldn't be that bad. It was loud with the vicious wind, explosion of droplets hitting the metal roof, and the periodical clicks and shifts of the train moving around the tracks. At the same time, it was beautiful.

Someone stepped up behind me as the track began bending around another curve. Buildings started cropping back into view and I felt the wispy thoughts in my head leave with the sight of the fence. I tensed a little as the man poked his head outside the cart, his hand protecting his eyes. He wasn't holding on to anything. I could feel the distance between us, too close.

"Get ready!" he shouted, straightening back up. He looked over at me, and I'm struck by the excited look in his eyes. "You're going to love this, Initiate."

Turning around, I poked my own head out the door. The rain slapped hard into me like little knifes, one hitting so close to my eye I thought something had physically stung me. I flinched, but forced myself to adjust to get a good look. Up ahead a building was coming up with a flat roof that ran alongside the tracks. Despite being level, it was still several feet back, and I gulped as I realized what was going to happen. We were going to jump. Jump off a perfectly fine train and onto a roof.

"What did I get myself into?" I whispered. The wind ripped the words away until they were nothing but a faint memory.

Shaking my head, I backed up with the other people in the train, trying to shake out the nerves in my legs. Jumping onto a train was one thing. The chances of me missing my target and falling to my death were a lot lower. I glanced over at the other people with me, seeing they looked completely calm. Happy.

Freaks. I was surrounded by a bunch of freaks.

_Guess I might fit in after all._

I didn't have time to think of anything else before they moved. Not thinking, I followed, stepping up with them. Running as fast as I could, I reached the edge of the train. Sucking in a breath, I jumped.

Flying.

Crashing.

Slamming into the ground, my feet hit first, but I wasn't ready for the crushing momentum that sent me wheeling forward. Flipping over, I shoved out my hands, ready to catch myself. Too fast. Before I could get my arms out, I instinctively bent in, tucking my head, and rolled. Still moving fast, my body flipped over, and my back unfurled too early. It smacked hard against the gravel and I cringed, laying flat on the roof as my body tingled.

Panting, I stared up at the sky. The rain was once again soft and cool. It splashed down on my face, making me blink. Pain radiated around my back and my chest heaved. I sat there for a second.

At least I made it.

I sat up slowly, groaning as my back protested. The rest of the people in my cart looked like they had managed much better. Of course. They'd been doing this longer than I had. I guess I'd get better with some time. Not wanting to seem weak, I shoved myself to my feet, wincing as I bent back and tried to stretch out my back a little. I had a feeling this bruise was going to be one of many.

Other bodies were flying in around me, some landing gracefully while others fared worse than I did. I didn't move until someone nearly crashed straight into me with a cry. Only then did I step aside, looking around for where I was going to be whisked off to do something else stupid. By the looks of things, they were all huddling around the opposite side of the roof.

A scream made me freeze. Deep low.

Whipping around, I stared for only a second. A boy was hanging off the edge, his arms wrapped around the edge and his eyes wild. We locked gaze for a split second as he slipped, still screaming. Snapping into action, I ran over towards the ledge, watching as I saw his face disappear over the edge. Lurching over the side, I shoved my arm out, not even thinking. I barely managed to grab onto his hand before his grip completely slipped and he was falling down. I groaned as my body slid forward, the weight of his body nearly jerking my shoulder out of place. My stomach slammed hard into the edge, knocking the air straight out of my lungs. I felt his hand slip in mine.

Someone else's hand shot past my peripheral vision. Almost immediately the weight was lighter. Glancing over, I saw another man with a metal piercing sticking out of his nose. It was all I saw before he moved to pull, and I followed suit. Other arms appeared in my vision, bodies moving around me, some bending over the ledge. Heaving with everything I had, I bent all the way back, using the edge of the building as an anchor. My arms burned.

Finally, the guy's head reappeared over the edge and with another tug the four of us were able to slide him far enough back onto the roof to drop him on the ground. His eyes were wide, and I could still feel his hand trembling in mine, but I respectfully looked away so he could compose himself. My brain felt numb.

"You alright man?" the guy next to me asked, stepping up towards him. "That was close." I gave him some room, shifting back, while others stepped in to see if he was okay. They asked him a few questions, someone clapping him on the shoulder.

I took a deep, unsteady breath as I let my mind catch up with what had just happened. My body was shaking. Staring down at my hands, I trembled. My heart was pounding harder now than it had all day.

I'd saved him.

I'd actually saved someone.

The weight of that hit me like a hammer to the chest. I couldn't help but picture Edith in my mind, the damage I had done her. I pictured Tristan dying in front of me. I didn't know what I'd been thinking or what had happened. I'd just moved. When I felt his hand slip, for a second I thought I wasn't going to be strong enough to save him either. But I did. I saved him. A deep, wretched sob wanted to tear from my throat.

Turning away, I screwed up my face, taking deep breaths to calm myself. I could still hear them shuffling around, but I couldn't dare look at them. I knew I should stay and see if he was alright. I couldn't now. Fighting to compose myself, I instead took off, heading to where the group of people on the other side of the roof was staring at us. My steps were unsteady, my flats soggy and squishing, but I held my head high, not meeting anyone's gaze. The rain hid the tears that wanted to crawl down my face.

People turned and gave me some space as I tried blending in with the crowd. I could feel their eyes on me. Someone even clapped me on the shoulder with a mumbled compliment. I nodded, glancing their way for a second before slipping further in. I didn't know what to say even if I could find my voice.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Luke standing off to the edge. Sighing, I waited a second before turning and looking over at him, knowing I needed to get this moment out of the way. He was something I could focus on. I knew what to feel when I looked at Luke. Of course he of all people would have to transfer to Dauntless. Sure enough, as I looked over I was met with the grizzly sight of his ugly mug and the tall wiry frame of one of his friends. Overall, he looked fine besides a bruise around his neck from the force of my blow. It looked like it pained him to swallow. The other one, the only one I didn't attack, wasn't there. I guess he didn't transfer. I cringed a bit seeing their faces. I'd really pulled a number on them.

A reminder of what I could really do.

"What cha' looking at, Noser?" Luke sneered.

Frowning, I took a second, taking in the sickening greenish purple blooming all the way from his nose around his eyes. It looked like one of his orbital bones might have shattered, angry busted capillaries in his eyes stained in a glowing red. In the rain, it looked even freakier with his dark hair matted down to his forehead in jagged spikes. He looked like shit.

I wasn't up for another fight. Not now. Inside, I still felt oddly numb, as if I'd stepped back from reality a little bit. He'd think he won if I didn't step up though.

Choices.

Tilting my chin up, I smirked at him, faking the confidence and arrogance I knew would piss him off. "I'm not sure yet. I'll tell you when I figure it out."

Like I expected, a flash of red dusted across his cheeks, but he managed to hold himself back. His friend stepped forward, but stopped as Luke hissed, "Just you wait. You haven't seen anything yet." His voice was dark, full of promises.

Perfect. Now I was going to have to go through the entire initiation process worrying about what petty stunt Luke was going to pull. Instead of giving him the satisfaction of seeing it on my face though, I smiled sickly sweet. I couldn't bring myself to care at the moment. "Looking forward to it."

I needed to learn to shut up.

"How many made it?" an older member asked next to me. I turned, peaking over my shoulder to see he was asking another man next to him.

"Thirty-nine choose Dauntless, thirty-five made it on the train, and thirty-two jumped. I thought we were going to lose that one too. Least everyone made the roof this year."

"Yeah," the other agreed.

What type of place was this? Did someone really always die trying to jump to the roof? I swallowed thickly, feeling sick to my stomach. Already seven people were factionless. An hour and a half at most and already seven people no longer had any place to live.

Maybe this place wasn't going to be as cool as I thought. I sighed.

"Alright, listen up," an authoritative voice called.

Looking up, I noticed the older dark skinned man walking along the edge of the building as if someone hadn't almost died hanging off it a second earlier. He paced back and forth, his steps sure and light. The rain didn't seem to bother him at all. Compared to the other Dauntless members I've seen, it's striking how old he really looks. Grey hairs are creeping in along the sides of his head, mixing with his short black hair. There are wrinkles pinching around his eyes, but the way he moves makes me think he's younger than he really is.

I curiously looked around at all of the other members, blinking through the rain. All of the other members around me couldn't be older than thirty. Is this just because only these people wanted to come to the initiation? Members didn't have to attend after all. Or were there really that few old people in Dauntless?

Judging by everything that had happened so far, I'm guessing there just weren't that many. They couldn't survive this life.

"My name's Max," the man called, redrawing my attention. His voice was aged, rich almost. "Several stories below lies the Dauntless compound," he continues. "In order to become one of us, you have to jump. If you can't, you don't belong here."

_What?_ I thought with wide eyes. _I have to jump off a building?_ Gulping, my eyes trailed down to the railing, wondering what I would be able to see if I looked over. I could only imagine the possibilities. Up this high it couldn't be water. There was a large swimming pool at Erudite most people used to keep in shape, and once I'd gone diving in one of my daring moments. Up this high, hitting the water would feel like hitting concrete. Since there was no harness it couldn't be any zip-line or anything. Maybe an inflatable mat or trampoline? A slide? _What was with Dauntless and jumping off things?_

My heart skipped when he continued, "Initiates have the pleasure of going first."

It felt like eyes were immediately on me from all around. Cowering a little into myself, I looked around feeling dirty under everyone's gazes, only to see everyone was doing the same thing. I could see reflections of my own shocked and hesitant eyes staring back at me from all of the initiate's faces. It was easy to pick out which were transfers like me. Those who weren't fit perfectly in with the other Dauntless members—black clothes, piercings, tattoos—only, they looked scared too.

That meant they didn't know what was going on either.

My brain logically told me there was no way Max was going to have everyone commit mass suicide jumping off a building, but the irrational part of me kept my jaw locked and my hands glued down to my sides. I wasn't stupid. I wasn't going to just go and jump off a roof. Forget that. The silence that fell over the group stretched out painfully slow.

Finally, when it was growing unbearable a girl stepped forward. "I'll go," she called, her voice melodious and light. She was short and frail; it was easy to see through her black and white striped shirt and black shorts as they clung to her like a second skin. It reminded me of my own see-through clothes, but I couldn't tear my eyes away to be self-conscious. This girl didn't look Dauntless. She looked twelve.

I bit my lip to keep myself from stopping her as she climbed up onto the ledge next to Max.

She stared down, looking at something I couldn't see, but judging by the panic on her face, it wasn't going to be reassuring. Then she closed her eyes. And jumped. My heart lunged into my throat, and I jerked forward, eyes wide. Her body vanished over the ledge. I could hear her shrill scream the entire way down.

Then nothing.

Heart hammering, I stared at where she stood a few seconds ago, not breathing. She did it. She jumped off a building. I couldn't shake the image of her terrified face out of my head as the group shifted and murmured towards each other. None of us knew what happened. There was no splash, no crunch. Nothing…

"Who's next?"

"You have to be kidding!" someone cried. Looking over, I saw it was the boy I helped pull back over the ledge. The panic on his face was apparent. I wondered if he was thinking of what would have happened if he fell.

Max shrugged looking unconcerned by his fear. "Suit yourself." His eyes turned back on the group and for a moment I felt like he was looking into my soul. "Any other volunteers?"

_I can't believe I'm going to do this._ Swallowing, I shoved forward, trying to hide the way my hands were trembling. If this was really the only way I was going to get into Dauntless, I might as well get this over with. Max's eyes followed me as I pushed towards the front, but I didn't look over. Instead, I shoved myself up on the railing. Suddenly, I knew why the girl looked panicked standing up here. Down below there was only a hole, surrounded by buildings. It was pitch black, completely hiding any sign of what might be waiting down below. If I missed, I'd hit the ground from seven stories up.

I gulped.

Luke jeered something behind me, but I could hear what he said. I didn't bother to turn around and find out.

If this really was all just a test they would have stopped the girl before she jumped. They would have used her as an example that there was a difference between bravery and stupidity. Right? That's what I told myself as I stared into the bottomless pit of a hole. Without another thought, I jumped.

My scream lodged somewhere in my throat as it got hard to breath as air rushed by. My legs kicked out, desperate for footing as I fell into nothing. My eyes burned. Heart pounded.

I hit the bottom hard, the air rushing out of me in a painful rush as my chest clenched in. All of the sudden I'm back in the air, arms failing again. Once again, I land down, something giving a little beneath me. This time I stay down, and my fingers thread through something rough and thick. Rope. Looking down, I see it was a giant net.

I couldn't stop myself. Laughter bubbled out of me from somewhere deep inside. It was uncontrollable, and tears dotted the corner of my eyes as I let it take over for a second.

I was alive.

I did it.

Staring up through the hole, I smile as raindrops still fell down on my face. They were cool and soothing. Something shifted out of the corner of my eye and I realized hands are reaching out towards me. Rolling over, I crawled awkwardly towards the nearest edge, the net shifting and giving every time I moved. The second I reached out, wrapping my hand around someone else's, I was heaved forward with a surprising strength.

The second my feet touched the ground I became aware of my skirt having ridden almost all the way up my legs. Reaching down, I quickly fixed it, blushing a bit as I smoothed my clothes out habitually. With the way my shirt was sticking to me I knew it had to be see-through.

"Thanks," I whispered. My voice is breathless and light, surprising me, and I couldn't help but grin. This place was a rush.

The man who helped me off the net was tall and broad, at least a full head and a half taller than me, something that never happened. Since he was only wearing a black wife beater I was free to see his toned shoulders and lean biceps, but I quickly forced my gaze up to his eyes that were staring amused at me. Several different piercings lined his noes, but his smile was easy. His eyes almost twinkled under his dark black hair. He stuck out his hand again.

"I'm Amar," he grinned. His teeth were startling white. "What's your name? You can pick whatever you want."

That stopped me. _Really? Who do I want to be?_ I didn't want to be the girl that came here anymore. I knew without a doubt I wanted to leave my life at Erudite behind. I didn't want anyone to ever call me _Ayriana_.

"It's Ayra."

Grinning broadly, his eyes trailed down my body, and I flushed, realizing he was staring at my see-through shirt. "Nice outfit. Didn't realize Erudite dressed like that. I might have transfered," he teased cheekily, laughing when he saw the indignant look on my face. I would have slapped him if he didn't turn around. Following his gaze, I realized there was a whole crowd of Dauntless members around. My face burned brighter. I could _feel_ their eyes on me. "Second jumper: Ayra!" Amar shouted. The crowd cheered and clapped and I stared amazing at all of the strange faces and people staring over at me. A little star struck, I smiled back before heading over to an isolated corner to take everything in.

I was happy hanging back in the shadows and observing everything from a distance. The noise and laughter all around me was intimidating. I didn't know these people. They didn't know me. I felt foreign, a stranger looking in at a family laughing and teasing each other. My eyes couldn't seem to stop on one spot. There was just so much going on.

This place was doing to be interesting, that was for sure.

* * *

_A/N: Alright! For all of you who have been waiting so very patiently to meet Eric and the rest of Dauntless, there's only one more week to wait! Next chapter, I'll finally be getting into Ayra's life in Dauntless with a bit of training, but more importantly the people she's going to have to deal with. I'm planning on handling training a little differently too, so everyone be ready. Things should get a little fun here!_

_Let me know what you thought!_


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